August 2015

Matters of My Heart

August 21, 2015 / / Life and Living

I’ve referred to my three step-granddaughters, and how much I love them.   I don’t know how I’ve gotten along without their presence in my life for the better part of  the last 28 years!

In another lifetime,  I was in a 5 1/2 year relationship with their grandfather.   It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that we kindled ties. They’ve all come to visit…one of them twice… and there are plans for a November visit this year and an April visit in 2016!  These cherished women are my loving and extremely loved extended family… right beside my son!  He knows them, of course,  and makes a point of seeing them when they’re here.

All this time, we have been in each others’ hearts and it feels so comfortable and natural.  As I reflect, I should have known there was a significance to the “Pampered Chef” apron I’ve donned all these many years  and, the tiny hand-painted china jewelry jar that I fondly place on my dresser, and not to forget, a miniature figure of a grey cat which I’ve always imagined to be the perfect inclusion in a terrarium, along with small rabbits and a squirrel!  These treasures have had their place alongside a leather cowboy boot key chain that holds a cigarette lighter given to me by my son so very long ago.

Pieces of My Heart

Pieces of My Heart

‘…God works in mysterious ways…his wonders cease to perform.’   I now  look back on the relationship that disappointed me so, and thank my LUCKIEST OF STARS!  But for that relationship, I don’t believe I would have had the boundaries of  my life’s fulfillment thrown open this wide!

I wasn’t able to see what the Universe had in store for me…but I’m sure…more than ever before… that everything that happens in my lifetime has a purpose and moreover, it works toward my greatest good! 

I’m utterly grateful again that Providence… God… the Universe… took the reins and led me to yet another magnificent Wonder of My World!

 

 

 

 

Seeing Is Believing!

August 12, 2015 / / Life and Living

I hope you’ve taken the time to visit Liferays.net and see how I introduced myself and explained my intentions for my Blog.  If so, you’ll know I referred to the suicide of my eldest son which occurred almost four years ago.

Intimate details aren’t important here, but I think what happened to me is!

My son and I had been estranged for almost 15 years, and there was no contact between us during that time.  I didn’t know where he was, nor whether he was alive.  I had hunched on several occasions that he was in the neighborhood, but never saw him.   Suffice to say, there had been troubling years; however, those were not all bad years!  I never knew what was really wrong, and I was unable to heal our hearts….at that time.

The morning I received that dreadful call, I became numb…in disbelief…I hadn’t let myself dwell on those years past, and honestly, I hadn’t done much wondering about where he was or whether or not he was alive.  Our separation had been my decision, and I had no regret.

I deal with a crisis in a “removed” sort of way…taking care of business almost robotically,  then falling apart afterward.  As I handled my son’s affairs I was relieved to learn that he spent the last five years at his apartment complex; had not been alone; had not fallen off life’s grid, and had been productive.  Reportedly, he had suffered severe depression in earlier months, had several back surgeries, was on disability,  another surgery was imminent,  and  he had been in extreme physical and emotional pain for some time.

NOW, HERE IT COMES!!!  Two days after his death, while washing  items I had taken from his kitchen,  I looked up, and there on the wall, was a bust of my son….a formation made up of thousands  of glistening silvery pixels!  He was wearing a white tee, was grinning from ear to ear, and looked exactly as he had the last time I had seen him.  He didn’t speak to me, but I knew he was happy, pain free, and at total peace.  I knew he loved me….and he knew I loved him.  WE ARE HEALED.

In Memoriam

MY ELDEST SON

July 22, 1965 –

NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE THEIR OWN LIFE…THEY JUST CAN’T STAND THE PAIN ANYMORE.

 

Love is Life

Love is Life

Good Riddance To A Very Old Rat!

August 8, 2015 / / Life and Living

I kept my rat alive all these years.  I fed it and nurtured it like a pet.   Until  now, I was willing to forego my own happiness and joy and peace of mind… my own creativity and ability to love and be compassionate toward myself, much less others!   I was obsessed with self-perpetuated issues in my life…. repeating the same thinking and behavior over and over again and expecting I was going to achieve a different result!  That’s the definition of insanity!

My testimony is that I’ve been trying for many years to become a better person….a happier person, a person nicer to myself and others, a person who faces the facts of my life as honestly as possible and accepts responsibility for my participation in outcomes.  My efforts have paid off!

“Too Soon Old…Too Late Smart”  isn’t true!  It’s never too late  if I have a desire to make changes in me!  All of these obsessive thoughts have been about circumstances or people I can’t change!  I can only  change  myself and my perceptions. 

Finally, and without notice, my rat eased off and walked away from the wheel.  I’ve tossed that wheel away, and I hope I have the continued good sense never to run  ’round and ’round aimlessly again.

Live and Let Live!

I Love Poppies! I Love Life!

I Love Poppies! I Love Life!

 

 

Life Is Not ‘Just’ A Bowl Of Cherries!

August 3, 2015 / / Life and Living

I’ve been a big picture thinker!  I tend to see the end result… I’m usually not concerned with the steps I have to take to get there!  This  forms my dreams, goals and optimism, and gathers my momentum to move forward.  I’m a risk taker, trust myself, and have faith in my abilities.  Admittedly, a certain amount of naiveté accompanies this kind of thinking.

The bad choices I’ve made in my life had nothing to do with an end result….they were spontaneous and thoughtless and this careless behavior was a  testament to whom I was at the time, not whom I wanted to become!

I seem to identify my life in terms of events – sad and happy times, marriages, divorces, births, deaths, friendships made and lost, moving in and out-of-state, changing jobs, etc.  But,  this big picture thinking  omits surrounding circumstances that qualify these events……”Just the facts, ma’am.”

I’ve been thinking of  folks who have responded to me on Facebook,  my recent adventure.   Some of these people were in my life over 25 years ago!  They connected with me as though it was yesterday, in heartfelt ways that made me feel fondly remembered, liked, even loved.  I had lost sight of the value of their peripheral presence in those days that had dovetailed into my experiences.

Clearly, I haven’t treasured my whole life story.   In retrospect, I can see that I’ve focused on a small picture and have ignored the integral weavings of affection, caring support, understanding and fellowship….  the background music that has provided the basis for my symphonic life!

A rock in and of itself is just a rock!  A rock amongst others in a garden of colorful flowers,  fountains and statues is a thing of beauty.

I want to savor the whole cherry,  bright red, the crunch between my teeth as I bite into it,  and the sweet tartness as it reaches my palate….. while I’m removing the pit!  A Whole Picture Thinker!

Yep!

Yep!