Why do I have certain behaviors? Why do I repeat behaviors when I was determined not to do so? What is inside of me that can put me into lockstep with certain types of people that don’t enhance me, but around whom I feel so comfortable?
People who have had multiple marriages often admit that they pick the same kind of partner repetitively. On the outside they don’t appear to be the same, but ultimately the relationship results in the same negative outcome….it was doomed from the start.
My father was bi-polar and alcoholic. This combination results in colorful behaviors, to say the least – certainly, as a product of this environment, my childhood was wrought with spontaneous emotional outbursts, unpredictable moods and activities – kind of like living in a 3-ring circus! I learned to take what came and I don’t recall taking much too personally. I do recall not wanting to be at home any more than I had to be…and learned early on how to make my own fun and have very happy times outside the home with friends and/or just self-made activities that I fully enjoyed.
Because of my childhood environment, I have a comfort zone around people that encompasses bizarre behavior as acceptable. It’s not easy for me to recognize boundaries and push away, because I’m in ‘familiar territory’. As I write, of course, this explains initially how I chose several different men (and certainly two out of three of my husbands).
Currently, I am wrestling with my addictive behavior as it pertains to eating. I only got in touch with this when I was able to see that I, indeed, have an addiction to food. For my purposes, “addiction” is my inability to follow my own directive “NO” consistently, even when I really don’t want to eat something! Said another way, I want to lose a few pounds and intellectually I know to do so is to not ingest certain amounts and types of foods that I know will sabotage my efforts. Feeling powerless, I got the idea to look as far backward as I could and try to determine how I was raised and how I raised my sons, in relationship to food.
I remember when my mother baked for Christmas, my sister and I were given the ‘broken’ rosettes or cookies, and the perfect ones were saved for company. My feelings attached to this were that I loved the taste but always felt rather deprived….like I might not get more, or be able to enjoy that taste quite like that again. I always wanted more. When my sons were young, I baked donuts every weekend, until they got so sick of them they told me to stop! I loved (and to this day still do) donuts, and always wanted to have them around for all of us to enjoy. I almost force-fed them. I think what I was doing was satisfying myself with the feeling that there would always be enough of what I liked. I wasn’t being deprived!
I also recall when I was around 13 and attending Catechism classes, I took the bus and there was a bakery right across from the bus stop. I would buy a couple of pastries going, and pick up a couple raised donuts on my way back home…again, getting ‘my fill’ – from when (in retrospect) I felt deprived of the ‘never-to-have-again-taste of my early childhood. I think I’m on to something here. I’ve been cooking for myself for 60 years or so, and it has never occurred to me that anything I make or buy that tastes wonderful can always be repeated at my will. I’ve never stood in a bread line and I’ve never gone hungry. So why I chose to associate the deprivation piece to this experience I can’t say, but for my explanation.
Obviously certain past behaviors – whether choosing men or feeling deprived of certain foods, have a definite relationship to my upbringing and my perceptions as a youngster, and how I’ve patterned behaviors and a mindset.
On this New Years Eve, when I enjoy my ritual “encounter with my life” I’m going to begin to seriously ‘take on’ my past with an entirely new perspective. I’ll be looking at myself and my choices and emotional weaving of the patterns that I’m probably still upholding without recognizing the repetition. I’ve never held myself hostage to my past and I’ve done excellent personal growth work toward so much fulfillment as I enjoy the privilege of living. And now, I’m going to open up another window of my life and I know I will find answers that will provide me greater peace and enlightenment on my journey.
Of course, I am curious and excited as I look toward this New Year 2017. I’m about to take a deliberate fork on my ‘Forever Path’ which I know will come full circle.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. Blessed Be to All.
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