Life and Living

What “Could” Happen, “IF”……

October 13, 2015 / / Life and Living

Black and White Thinker!  I can’t deny it has always been easy for me to make it an “either/or” situation.  Life seemed to be so much tidier when I  wrapped it up in a neat bow of ‘cut and dried!’

Today, life  is more than adding the ‘Gray” word.  The inclusion of “Could” and “If” can expand everything.  If I use more words of positivity, there could be more possibility thinking.

If I could  look at things ‘another way’; that is, if I allow my eyes to see that clearly,  I will need a huge dose of patience and insight because without it, there could be less room for open-mindedness and clarity of thought.

Thoughtfulness before verbal expression!  This requires me to slow down and  choose my words carefully.  When I am around others,  I want to extend my sincere interest and support, compassion, understanding, uplifting mindfulness and deliberate effort.   I want my presence to be celebrated not tolerated (to quote a dear friend).

If I want to make a positive difference in my world,  I choose to take  a more-give-and-less-take view,  and not  focus on how big a difference I make, but instead, consider if I Could make any helpful and positive difference at all!

Living alone, making my own rules within my four walls, has unwittingly provided fertile ground  for close-mindedness and minimal consideration of other viewpoints and ideas.   I want to expand my thinking as I move toward continuous personal growth.

Life is anything but Black, Gray and White! It’s a kaleidoscopic blend of love, faith, hope, dreams, goals, joy, gratitude, wisdom, harmony, sadness, gladness, expectation and disappointment within all of us…… in this Whole Wide World.

The Beauty of Life

The Beauty of Life

So, I Said To Myself,”…..You Talkin’ To Me?!….”

October 9, 2015 / / Life and Living

Yakety Yak!…… YaDaYaDaYaDa!…..  For more years than I’d care to admit, I’ve been talking to myself aloud – and enjoying these conversations – one-sided as they are!    My subject matter is mostly generic and scripted, i.e., “You’re not lookin’ bad at all for 78!” or “What are we planning to do today?”, or “You did a good job at that!”, etc.   My discovery of  late is  I haven’t taken advantage of the REAL opportunity this nebulous activity offers me below the surface of my emotions!

I’m mindful of a kind of “Self-Talk” that emits negative messages that scar and cripple the Spirit..always pulling the Self down at every chance!  The words of self-loathing, disrespecting the Self so deeply, it cannot love or be loved, often spiraling downward to  ultimate  despair and loneliness and pain of Heart.   When I consider  my issues that need healing, it makes good sense for me to use all this ‘lonely energy’ and deliberately CHOOSE TRUTHFUL CONTENT for the  MESSAGES I’M GIVING TO MY  ‘SELF’ and transform these  conversations into  healing nuggets that can strengthen and give me peace.

CHOICE AND CONTENT

I know  I am essentially Good.  I  know that I am not lesser than any other human being.   If I feel otherwise, I am lying to myself!  Until now,  I have allowed myself to remain misguided, instead of correcting my thoughts or feelings that promote discomfort and  dis-ease.   The truth is,  such feelings are baseless…they are lies with a life of their own inside me,  which will continue to wreak havoc on my future peace, joy and happiness,  until I examine my dialogue  and, when necessary, root these untruths out and replace them with honest, supportive  commentary.

 I will  strive to have only affirmative ‘Self discussions’ with deliberate intent!   After all, who knows me better than ME!

There is no time like the present and I am ready!    On My Mark…Get Set…GO!

 I’LL BE COMING ‘ROUND THE CORNER FROM THE INSIDE….BUT AT THE FINISH LINE I’LL BE ON THE OUTSIDE!

Power lines on a blue sky

Can I Hear Me?  Can I Hear Me?

                         

 

By Hook Or By Crook, I Want Off!

October 6, 2015 / / Life and Living

“Get The Hook!”    This is an old expression from the vaudevillian era that was introduced in 1903….just in time for my ‘entrance’ in 1937, I’d say!

Novice performers would appear on “amateur night” competitions  and when their performances were unacceptable, the audience would scream, “Get the Hook”, and a long hook would protrude from behind the curtain and pull the performer off the stage.   A Saving Grace I think.

I’ve spent a good share of my life ‘on stage’, performing for whomever was captive at the time!  Such physical and emotional stress!… a set-up for criticism and ridicule!… a distraction from myself and whom I was really meant to be!… a pathetic way to behave and misdirect my life!… a bewildering result that has, until this very acknowledgment,  befuddled my authenticity!

NOW, by the same Saving Grace, I am grasping my own hook, and pulling myself off the stage of showiness….ostentatious subtle and not-so-subtle rude and sarcastic witty repartee… “acts” manifesting low self-esteem, fearing rejection, feelings of unworthiness, loneliness and much more.  I want to look at myself in the  mirror of self-imposed honesty and search out and destroy the last remnants  of feeling “lesser than” still residing within me.

Make no mistake, there are areas of my life where I’m extremely competent, self-confident, and have a healthy dose of self-worth and value.    Along life’s way I’ve proven to be successfully self-reliant in handling challenges offered me.  I won’t speculate on the feelings which generate my determination to improve myself.   The “Whys” don’t matter.   Recognizing my desire to heal what I can, and creating my Renaissance Self as I become more authentic, is my goal.

I’m not looking for any overnight miracles.  It feels not unlike what a ‘Selfie’ might reveal if I had my hand caught in the cookie jar!  No need… nor sense… to deny it, and I’ve discovered  my eyes hardly burn anymore as I continue to peel my onion!

El fin Die Ende Einde La Fin ha sikum The End?

El fin
Die Ende
Einde
La Fin
ha sikum
The End!

It’s Funny How This “Honesty Thing” Works!

October 1, 2015 / / Life and Living

I have found out that the more I share  my life’s experience, the more others can relate to me.  We all have the same feelings, only the circumstances causing these feelings may be different.  I’ll call this “striking life’s chords” – and this kind of music that plays can bring me closer together with my fellow man.  It’s the ‘similarity’ not the ‘difference’ that’s meaningful.

I have a story:  When I was in my early twenties, I am ashamed to say I had very little respect for  fellow human beings!  I guess I was in high survivorship mode, and  I don’t claim any awards for my temperament nor the sarcasm that came out of my mouth.

By the Grace of God my lawyer, who was also my mentor in those years,  recognized my disparity and  extended his hand in friendship and faith in me, and made a simple request:  For a week, spend at least 5 minutes with whomever I spoke   –   an elevator operator (yes, this was way back when) , a cashier at the check-out,  someone standing on the corner waiting for the bus or street car,  a fellow passenger, and especially the file clerk in my office whom he had heard about more than enough!  He assured me after this experience, I would report each conversation had been interesting to me,   would come away with valuable  knowledge about each person with whom I spoke, and I would thoroughly have enjoyed  the time spent.  HE WAS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!   After this life changing exercise,  I slowly began seeing, hearing, respecting, learning from and VALUING others.  This was not an overnight success!   I had lived twenty-some years in a selfish and ignorant darkness. It has taken me many years  – experiencing ups and downs, failures and successes –  to begin to define the life pathway I am carefully and intentionally choosing for myself today.

As I have shared this story with you, I am again  extremely grateful for the help I received because it started me on the upward  path of straightening my life out while I learned, always by experience.  I try to have no place for guilt or shame.  I do acknowledge that as I am absolutely honest with myself – and  continuously trying to become my authentic self –  emotional freedom is my reward.   I am always working to ‘get there’… never to  ‘arrive’.   I know,  if I ever think I’ve finally “got it”, the Universe will promptly give me an adequate nudge to show me otherwise!  I’m beginning to think living my life is a process of repetition, acknowledging new information, accepting ongoing change, and working through challenges as they appear….always being grateful for everything I have and am privileged to experience.   Summarily, in this process  I know my best effort is good enough.

There is  incalculable joy and self-worth that inflates me with each truth I acknowledge to myself…..and if  any experience of mine can be eye-opening to another I’m happy to share it.

HALLOWEEN NEARS  AND YET ANOTHER MASK REMOVED!

BOO!!

BOO!!   It’s not that scary!

Living A MORE Deliberate Life.

September 26, 2015 / / Life and Living

Henceforth,  I will make a  concerted effort to elevate my consciousness and more DELIBERATELY recognize my fellow man as my equal, without differentiating, qualifying, or distancing, or minimizing our existence alongside each other on this planet.

Henceforth, I will be more supportive and endearing and make an optimum effort to enhance the presence of all persons around me…I want to feel the VALUE of another human being.  

Henceforth, if  I perceive differences, rather than similarities between us,  I will focus more on our similarities.  I will face my shallow thinking headon,  continuously making every effort to erase it completely,  purging whatever fear-based notions I discover about myself.

Finally, I will continue  this more deliberate way of living life without end.

I am reminded of a time in the early 70’s when I went to teacher’s conference for one of my sons.   I had heard a lot about this woman, and my son obviously liked her.   I entered the classroom  and was somewhat surprised when we met.    She was a black woman.  It wasn’t the color of her skin that took me aback…..it was the fact that my son hadn’t perceived any difference and never mentioned it.     I was so proud of him!  She and I actually discussed this during the conference.

I have a new ‘take’ on ‘DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVER!”

Namaste

 

Come….Take a Walk With Me.

September 21, 2015 / / Life and Living

I try to hoof-it a mile a day in the morning as soon as it’s light…and when I return I’m  FULL OF IT!

Years ago, I used to call it my ‘sit and stare’…..a time at the table, sometimes in the dark, drinking buckets of coffee and smoking countless cigarettes, staring outward thinking and thinking (wasting no little time too).   This was a kind of meditation, but without much intent, or physical exertion for that matter!

Lots of water under past bridges.  Lots of knowledge received in my spiritual “questing”.   Now I’m able to bring myself into a different kind of awareness.  It’s absolutely deliberate, admittedly, not ‘by the book’.     When I walk, as I’m building my stride,  I’m actually waiting to be ‘informed’.  Yes,  I receive my ‘information’  during  my walks (and in the shower as well  [I’ll not be saying “Come… take a shower with me”, however!]).  When I dodge my daily walk, I always  feel significantly out of kilter.

This morning,  I noticed  a much looser gait.  I felt my hip movement was more fluid and less stiff.   I intuitively knew I should “loosen up” in my thinking and rigidity!  Another reminder  not to be so black and white, judgmental or critical.  My internal feelings absolutely acknowledged this message instantly.  As I continued on, my stride began to lengthen, there was a quickness to my step, and although the humidity was quite high, I didn’t feel impeded.  I felt lightened…. wanting to begin a mild jog.  (This was a cautionary whim considering my age!)

Exhilaration!…the thrill of it…the peace in it…my gratitude for the heads up!

I just came in from outside.  We’re expecting lots of rain in the next 36 hours, and my hounds have dug a couple big holes out there.  I don’t want puddles next to the house!  Out I go to dig them in……What’s that?

YET ANOTHER WINK AND  NOD FROM THE UNIVERSE!

I'm pooped!

I’m pooped!

Now it's raining!

Now it’s raining!

It's tough goin'

It’s tough goin’

Enuf' already!

Enuf’ already

ENTIRELY TOO MUCH ‘INFORMATION’ FOR ONE DAY…. BUT THERE ARE NO MORE HOLES EITHER!

 

Who’s That Knockin’ At My Door?….MY TRUTH!

September 18, 2015 / / Life and Living

Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be giving credit to  Facebook for the  “teachers” whom I’ve encountered through their words.  I’ve  expressed myself in response… learned and integrated the likeminded ideas…. and finally, but without end, figured out  I like where I am today!

For an eternity  I’ve yearned for that beyond where I AM.  This kind of thinking isn’t so much about “things”, it’s more about being some place else….another house…another landscape…another massive project I haven’t been able to consider where I am!   I’ve been thinking “repairs” where I live now,  not enhancement, or development, or beautification.  Interestingly,  these very words are what I use when I look outside my environ when I consider what I would do with something or some place new!

This admission  is so big – almost overwhelmingly forthright and honest, I’m brought to my knees!  It has punched me in my gut!  What I’ve felt as dissatisfaction….. dis-ease, if you will… is really misinterpretation.   “Not Seeing the Forest for the Trees”!

Talk about an Ah Ha Moment!  This is an explosion of my mind!  It’s all about happiness, gratitude and relief, my personal Eureka!,  freedom and release from inhibiting, restrictive thoughts and ideas.

Another gate has opened up…I can see more of what “it” IS!

ANOTHER PIECE TO MY LIFE’S PUZZLE FITS INTO PLACE!

Step On It...Get On With It...Happiness Is....

Step On It…Get On With It…Happiness Is….

 

 

 

Self- Satisfaction – It’s Between Me and Me!

September 11, 2015 / / Life and Living

I just completed what might seem to others  an easy, menial task …. just another thing to handle when one has window blinds….  but, for me, it was tedious,  frustrating and hard to manage with fingers that aren’t as agile as they used to be!  One of the strings connecting a slat had broken, and to retie it turned out to difficult.

I realize how grateful I am that I’m capable of attempting and persevering.   A  grand feeling accompanies self-satisfaction.    I’ve considered myself a pioneer woman all my adult life as it relates to trying to fix or repair something first, before asking or paying for help!

First attempts don’t scare me.  Every job I was hired to do, I had never done before.   Starting and maintaining my  business for 21 years was a first. Last Summer, I tackled replacing a section of gutter on the back of my house.  I had watched my friend/handyman install these originally; however, watching and helping isn’t the same as doing it oneself!  I viewed the instructional video on the internet, and first off it stated:  “This is not a one-person job!”    I used a ladder for the ‘other guy’!   This wasn’t easy.  It was a very hot day, and it took me the better part of 5 hours – taking breaks for water…  catching my breath… and mulling my frustration at how difficult it was – but, I did it!   I will never take on this project again – whether or not I think I can do it!  

It isn’t easy to peel my onion.  I know many others can do better and have achieved much more than I.  In the past I would search out accolades for my accomplishments.   Who does care what I do, how I do it or how I feel about it?!”  I CARE! 

 I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MEASURE THE DEPTH OF DIFFICULTY, THE SELF-DOUBT I MIGHT FEEL, AND THE LEVEL OF ACCOMPLISHMENT I KNOW I HAVE ACHIEVED.

Self-satisfaction feels exactly the same as doing the right thing when nobody is watching, or performing an act of kindness and not mentioning it to anyone.  It is indeed A GRAND FEELING!

I conclude it’s a big mistake for me to make any kind of comparisons.  This steals my Joy!

‘Self’-satisfaction is an ‘inside job’.

Atta Girl!

 

Matters of My Heart, Blog 8/21/2015, Addendum

September 4, 2015 / / Life and Living

I can’t believe I forgot to include the mother of my step granddaughters when I wrote Matters of My Heart.  Without her, my life would not be on this tremendous path of fulfillment, enjoying an extension of my family with step grandchildren.

This generous woman unselfishly allowed me to scoop up her daughters to love and cherish.  Many years ago she gave me a Christmas gift of a handmade cross-stitched wreath, and it has held the equally sacred place amongst those other treasures which I’ve brought with me along my life’s journey….only this one stays boxed with my Christmas decorations to continually don my diminutive Christmas tree.

The last couple of years I’ve been downsizing my home, using one criteria:  Keep it if I love it or get rid of it!  As my eyes meander throughout any room everything seems to have a story, and I feel like I’m around intimate friends and close family.  It’s comfortable and peaceful, like sitting on a porch swing in a Fall breeze.

SOME MEMORIES PLAY SO WELL IN MY LIFE’S SONG.

One Stitch [back] in Time!

One Stitch [back] in Time!

I’m joyful and grateful for all that I have and don’t have.

 

Stepping Stone of My Life

September 1, 2015 / / Life and Living

My interpretation…  my “nod”, if you will…. forms who I am and what I think.

All these many years I have anointed a select few with my ‘respect’ and credited them with enlightening me, correcting my path,  and caring enough for me to bother to  ‘try’ to reach me.   I now know that it is every single event, happy or sad, devastating, painful or joyful, and every single person in my life, that  are responsible for bringing me to  who I am today and whom I will become in the future.  I am a fluid being, growing all the time, learning all the time and loving all the moments of the student/teacher circle of my life.

I now can feel compassion, forgiveness, and am moving toward love, for those who did not have my best interests at heart and I feel sorry that they had to go to such lengths to fulfill their path of learning, and at the same time, I am grateful they were the teachers in my path of learning.  By the same token, I forgive myself for having strode my path at anyone else’s expense and I’m saddened I was at such a low ebb in my life at those times.   I have suffered my own pain as a result of my choices, and I’m more than aware I’ve experienced myriad life’s learnings the hardest of ways!

No question, when I began to trust my own intuits, I entered the world of my Spirituality, my Quest for meaning of my Creator, my Universe, my Being here, my Lessons , my Joys and my Gratitude, as they all relate to me and those I encounter in this world… in this time.

Keeping my own counsel is a huge intention for me because I’m a talker and a writer.  I know this is the right time in my life to present my Blog.  I’m experiencing a wonderful journey of expressing and receiving new learning.  I’m finding out I am who I am  for TODAY.    Life is about change, and I’m experiencing great comfort as I open and explore  unknown horizons.   I now trust my heart and my soul….my all-knowing Essence.

My friend is an artist….she painted a rock for me when she was here.  I see  Sun, Sky, Clouds, Seagulls, and Water.

I feel, ENLIGHTENMENT and FREEDOM!

 

Enlightenment and Freedom.

Not Your Ordinary Rock!

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