I don’t often remember my dreams; however,  last night I was awakened many times and fully understood that I was having a dream which was none other than an affirmation of what I have been working on for the past few days.

In early July, 2016, I received my Gohonzon in Buddhism.  Faith, Practice and Study – and  more simply stated, make myself happy, others happy, and work toward peace in the world.

What is choosing happiness for myself?  Will buying my favorite box of donuts (to which I admittedly am addicted) make me happy?  No, clearly it wouldn’t.  Not the kind of ‘happy’ I am seeking.  Would dusting my entertainment center make me happy?  Yes, it did – I did feel happier seeing the glass-topped shelves glistening as I rid them of  dust.  Yesterday, I felt an exciting tingle of inner happiness when I purchased two small gifts for the daughter of a friend, knowing I am going to present them to her next week when we all get together for some fun and lunch.  The girl’s birthday  and Christmas will be remembered.  I never had a daughter, and I don’t have any children close by whom I can enjoy watching receive joy from my action.  Yes, I felt my happiness and joy generating inside me.   I bought an orchid plant for my very dear friend and felt excitement  and I was happy.   The orchid is a specific species that has significance in her life.  It makes me happy to be able to give her joy  and I know we both will be happy when I give her the gift tomorrow.

I wasn’t planning on putting up too many, if any, Christmas decorations this year – in fact, I haven’t done much for several years.  Yet, yesterday, I thought  would it make me happy if I had some decorations up for the holidays?  Yes, it will make me happy, and I will do this and make myself happy.

In my dream, I was removing chain link fencing, section by section, and neatly placing the panels in a pile.  I was totally aware that this was symbolic of my taking down the barriers between me and my own happiness and I was doing this in an orderly fashion.  I knew I had to have some areas of my yard (my Self) encircled with a much less rigid  material – I didn’t need a steel fortress, more like a  mesh that could contain my plants (my choices for my Self) as I continued to enjoy the privilege of living my life.  I instinctively knew that the feelings I’ve described herein are the proof of the kind  of happiness I’ve already felt for myself and others in these past days.  They were so deep and satisfying and fulfilling.  These happiness feelings resonated to my Soul Self.  I felt my heart ‘understand’ what this living is all about with peace and contentment – and it all revolves  around the choices I make for my own happiness.  I also felt the excitement that welled up inside me as I brought down the rigid fencing (my rigid thinking) and felt the accomplishment of  my enlightenment about what happiness truly is as I neatly stacked those panels.   Clearly, happiness is not choosing the insatiable instant gratifications that I tried in the past, like alcohol, diet pills, donuts and other pastries, cigarettes, affairs with men, marrying men, placing myself in uncomfortable social positions trying to salve my emotional barrenness  with situations that, sadly, didn’t reach my silent suffering.  Nothing had given me self-satisfaction or permanent happiness and joy, nor any healing from the inside,  while I have been living my life.

 I am aware, that whenever I work on projects, or whenever else I am inspired to do something I call ‘fun’, these are exactly the times I am making myself happy and I  receive  self-satisfaction.  This  is my way  of honoring  mySelf while I continue to enjoy the privilege of living my life.

As the dream continued, the song “Alleluia” kept playing softly in the background.  Yes,  I’ve had a marvelous awakening.   Needless to say, before I make any choices/decisions that have to do with the happiness of my heart, my quality of time with mySelf or others … whatever action I am undertaking …  henceforth,  I am going to specifically ask myself, “Kaye, will this make you happy?”  I know now, the feelings  I must have, before I can honestly say “Yes, this will make me happy” !  It’s the deep down knowledge that I’ve always carried within  that will dictate my actions.    From now on I can slowly excavate a new place I have never before attempted to reveal.  I am going to ‘gift myself’ all the happiness  while  living my life that I have not known was within  my grasp until now.

Does it make me happy to try to explain this to others?  Yes it does.  All we have to do is ask ourSelf the sincere question, “Will this make me happy?”  And, only choose our actions when our sincere answer is,  “Yes, this will make me happy.”

This is permanent healing, not a band-aid fix. This is an inside job and it only has to make sense to me.   BLESSED BE.