Just for the record, I believe we have all the answers inside of us.  I believe I am a spiritual being living in a human condition.  That spiritual being within me is my absolute essence…..My whole beingness….the very core of me that connects me directly to my Creator…as a drop of water is to the ocean.

This said, all my life……… and I know I am not alone in these kinds of experiences……… there has been  a ‘little voice’ that spoke to me from time to time…..sometimes it was but a whisper, other times it was more obvious, like when I skinned my  knees over and over again (which should have meant to me, “grow a little bigger before you ride that bike!”),  but instead, came the real fall with pain that opened a 2 inch fleshy wound…to this day showing the healed scar as the reminder….I chose not to listen!

Then there was the time, 13 years old, or so,  I was in the Woolworth’s  downtown with a friend, and she suggested we ‘take’ some lipstick from the bin.  Of course, I heard “I wouldn’t do it”, or something like that, but I did…brought the red stuff home, threw it in a drawer and began to feel really guilty…painfully guilty…I wasn’t ‘into’ lipstick in the first place, so why did I do that?!  As my memory has it, I pocketed the tube, got on the bus, walked into the store and put it back into the bin.  No words to anyone…but I tell you, the pain of that guilt left instantly…….Whew!!

Another time I said to a friend, do you think I drink too much?  She didn’t give her opinion, but she did hook me up with someone to talk to about it.  The answer that came back was, “What do you think?”…..of course, under the rug that answer went until many close calls later, for sure all marriages later, another relationship later,  along with more pain and  confusion until these many years later, when I’ve been able to unscramble ‘what might be what’  and give myself the obvious answer!  I could have saved myself years of confusion and pain had I wanted to face that truth, once and for all.

What about all those nagging thoughts I’ve had as I’ve been living my life?…..Was my boyfriend seeing another woman?  Why did I taunt myself stalking him, trying to catch him in the act, when inside, I already knew that answer.

Was I or wasn’t I overweight?  Why did I keep looking in the mirror, expecting to see a model figure in a different outfit?  I knew I felt I looked ‘chubby’.   Why didn’t I just decide to change my eating habits!

My little voice has been working overtime to save me from years of pain and self abuse and heartache. ….I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL MYSELF THE TRUTH ALL MY LIFE  so I could enjoy the real privilege of living life freely and everso happily!

Why was it that I wouldn’t  just face up to the honesty of it all and make the appropriate decisions toward a more peaceful and less painful life path?

I’m bearing this torch at near 79, and desperately want to pass it on.  I don’t plan to make myself experience any more pain by my own hand.