I hope you’ve taken the time to visit Liferays.net and see how I introduced myself and explained my intentions for my Blog.  If so, you’ll know I referred to the suicide of my eldest son which occurred almost four years ago.

Intimate details aren’t important here, but I think what happened to me is!

My son and I had been estranged for almost 15 years, and there was no contact between us during that time.  I didn’t know where he was, nor whether he was alive.  I had hunched on several occasions that he was in the neighborhood, but never saw him.   Suffice to say, there had been troubling years; however, those were not all bad years!  I never knew what was really wrong, and I was unable to heal our hearts….at that time.

The morning I received that dreadful call, I became numb…in disbelief…I hadn’t let myself dwell on those years past, and honestly, I hadn’t done much wondering about where he was or whether or not he was alive.  Our separation had been my decision, and I had no regret.

I deal with a crisis in a “removed” sort of way…taking care of business almost robotically,  then falling apart afterward.  As I handled my son’s affairs I was relieved to learn that he spent the last five years at his apartment complex; had not been alone; had not fallen off life’s grid, and had been productive.  Reportedly, he had suffered severe depression in earlier months, had several back surgeries, was on disability,  another surgery was imminent,  and  he had been in extreme physical and emotional pain for some time.

NOW, HERE IT COMES!!!  Two days after his death, while washing  items I had taken from his kitchen,  I looked up, and there on the wall, was a bust of my son….a formation made up of thousands  of glistening silvery pixels!  He was wearing a white tee, was grinning from ear to ear, and looked exactly as he had the last time I had seen him.  He didn’t speak to me, but I knew he was happy, pain free, and at total peace.  I knew he loved me….and he knew I loved him.  WE ARE HEALED.

In Memoriam

MY ELDEST SON

July 22, 1965 –

NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE THEIR OWN LIFE…THEY JUST CAN’T STAND THE PAIN ANYMORE.

Love is Life