Authentic Self

I’ve mentioned from time-to-time how I belong here in Arizona…I’ve felt this way from the time I flew over Phoenix when I arrived for my first visit over 50 years ago. My eyes swelled with tears as I stared below through the aircraft window.  I felt like I was coming home, and had no reasonable explanation for these feelings.

This phenomenon happened every time I flew into the city, and each time I left.  I visited several times for many years  and these feelings never changed.  Happy to be home, and always sorry to leave.   In the early 60’s,  I lived here for almost four years.  My two sons were born here.

When I eventually moved here in 1990, it was my final return!  I had spent  years  yearning and planning and dreaming of getting back here and never leaving again.  This time I came by car with the moving van following behind.  I had a home to move into, and couldn’t wait to get into it!  My oldest son (now deceased) drove with me for good reason.  I was  bringing a dog and a cat, and his company was wanted and needed in so many ways.  It turned out to be one of the nicest times he and I ever spent together and this experience is a fond memory  I revisit often.

I arrived in early Spring, and  spent that Summer walking the desert exclaiming “Thank you God, Thank you God!”, and very nearly went broke!.  I was self employed and kept putting off getting my business up and running.  Thankfully, I ‘came to my senses’ and redirected myself; after all, this was no vacation anymore! I was here permanently now, and began to wrap my mind around that fact!  I was finally  home for good!

I reference drums because from day one, I’ve always felt an affinity to the Native American culture.  In fact, when my first son was born, I had hired a young woman from the Hopi nation.  I can’t remember her face, but I have never forgotten her name.  Somehow she felt ‘familiar’ to me.  I’ve been to some ruins, and each time I visit, it’s like I ‘remember’….I have  music of Incan Pan Pipes, Native American Flute….. hauntingly beautiful sounds that stir thoughts in my mind of a time my soul has known.  Sometimes when I walk, I begin chanting in the tribal way, and I can tell when I am sounding to my happiness or my sorrow.

This is the first occasion I have shared any detail along these lines about me.  I think it’s time because I’ve been noticing that I’m stirring inside….I’m continuing on my spiritual path, my intuitive nature is surfacing more, and I’m feeling  a oneness to my surroundings, my place on this planet and in this Universe.  I’m feeling very comfortable with this path I am following.

This morning, from out of nowhere,   I said something to myself (out loud, which is  not unusual), that startled me.   Instantly, I retorted,  “This isn’t You!”…”Stop thinking and saying things like this when you know this isn’t the real you!”  …..and then I heard the drums in my mind….the steady beat…the comforting and familiar sound.  Something inside me has changed.  I know it is all good,  and I also know I must tread slowly, yet confidently.  Clearly, I am enjoying the newness of this.

Some of my friends who follow my blog might surely be surprised by this admission.  All I can say is yes, it’s me, the real me….little by little emerging from a new chrysalis.

My sense is, this stage of development occurs again and again in our lifetimes.   I believe I am gently unfolding and awakening to living my life with a new clarity of purpose by Divine Intention.

The Beauty of the Emergence of Living

The Beauty of the Emergence of Living

Yesserie!…The only Devil I acknowledge is my Ego!  It’s never up to any good as far as I know!  When I’m going backward …. back to my ‘old ways’… I know that diabolical troublemaker has a big hand in whatever is poking it’s ugly head out from under the sand where I thought I dug it in for good!

Especially now, when I’m trying to get a better handle on becoming the person I want to be…when I think I might  be getting the hang of it, so to speak….Then, without warning I find myself in a pickle!

Case in point:   I wrote a blog, “By Hook or By Crook… I Want Off!”  I talked  about the ‘show-off’ stage I had placed myself on for years…and how I had come to grips with the fact I no longer wanted to behave like this nor suffer the accompanying stress!   As I wrote this blog I was so relieved to have recognized this less than desirable trait and was eager to cast it aside!  YET, lo and behold, I discovered I have traded platforms!  Now I’m ‘on’ when I log in to Facebook!   Most every morning I have been posting an ‘attraction’ on my Timeline – as if anyone really is interested in my comings and goings! – as if anyone really cares how I turn a phrase!  I can’t believe I fell back into that trap!   I know I’m beating myself up over this, but authenticity is critical to me, and the last thing I want to present in my blogs is material that doesn’t reflect my sincerity of effort as I continue to fulfill my spiritual quest….  offering my personal experiences along the way.  This is about my Self-worth and Self Confidence!  I already feel better  for having acknowledged this.  (I’m reminded of yet another blog I authored, “Self Satisfaction – It’s Between Me and Me!”…Yes, I get it now, and I have the referenced  ‘Grand Feeling’ once again.)

FULL  GRATITUDE  TO MY UNIVERSE!….  MY CREATOR!….MY INTUIT THAT I TRUST NOW MORE THAN EVER!  THANK GOD FOR THIS REMINDER!

BE GONE EGO!!!…. WHOSE FINAGLING STRENGTHS INTERFERE WITH MY BEING WHOM I KNOW I WANT TO BE.

Aside:    I like the way I write my blogs –  they are inspired.    After I’ve written and published,  The Universe punctiliously offers a life experience to put me to the test of my truth!    I’m so grateful for this life opportunity and I will not intentionally be anyone less than my shared experiences and feelings.

Always Around When I Need Her

Always Around When I Need Her

Dedicated to the removal of Self-Doubt

When I continually  feel the resonance of Peace and  Calmness within me…When I conscientiously conduct myself with poise, posture and humility never to disgrace myself or another… When facing an adversary I acknowledge  “it doesn’t matter to me or my life…it matters to that life” and believe it ….When it is no longer necessary to raise my voice out of weakness…When a scale does not set the standard of my self-esteem or self-worth…When I stop looking outside myself for my answers…When I trust myself and have unequivocal self-reliance and Faith which dictate my decision making…When I don’t shrink from my responsibilities to myself or anyone else…When I recognize I need help and turn to the source for that help… When I know I feel love sincerely for all fellow human beings and freely demonstrate these feelings by extending my hand in friendship and caring for their welfare…When I thrill to the notion of living life with abandon, albeit responsibly and self-confidently.…When I stop dreading anything,  knowing I will never face the imagined Kodiak Bear!… When I am always in awe of the Magnificence of the Universe and my place in it…  When I take my daily steps  into the unknown,  deliberately planting my feet with anticipation, excitement, wonder and  welcoming affirmation toward whatever unfolds, knowing and accepting all is ultimately for my best good and growth…When I thank everyone  from my past  and  current experiences again and again for the opportunities that have been afforded me just for the taking, and By the Grace of God…When all of my words and actions are inspired by my  generous heart with no reservations nor expectations…When the words “doubt”, “can’t”, “never”, “always” “hate” or any other word of negativity, restriction, dissatisfaction or judgmentalness  are  passé to me…When at the end of each day I look forward  to bowing my head in humility and integrity, honoring my Creator and being Thankful for the Privilege of Doing My Best Every Day Of My Life to OUR’ SATISFACTION…And, finally…to paraphrase Patrick Overton:

When I come to the edge of all of the light I have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, I will believe that one of two things will happen:  Either there will be something solid for me to stand on – or I will be taught how to fly!

I AM THAT I AM.

I AM THAT I AM.

 

“Get The Hook!”    This is an old expression from the vaudevillian era that was introduced in 1903….just in time for my ‘entrance’ in 1937, I’d say!

Novice performers would appear on “amateur night” competitions  and when their performances were unacceptable, the audience would scream, “Get the Hook”, and a long hook would protrude from behind the curtain and pull the performer off the stage.   A Saving Grace I think.

I’ve spent a good share of my life ‘on stage’, performing for whomever was captive at the time!  Such physical and emotional stress!… a set-up for criticism and ridicule!… a distraction from myself and whom I was really meant to be!… a pathetic way to behave and misdirect my life!… a bewildering result that has, until this very acknowledgment,  befuddled my authenticity!

NOW, by the same Saving Grace, I am grasping my own hook, and pulling myself off the stage of showiness….ostentatious subtle and not-so-subtle rude and sarcastic witty repartee… “acts” manifesting low self-esteem, fearing rejection, feelings of unworthiness, loneliness and much more.  I want to look at myself in the  mirror of self-imposed honesty and search out and destroy the last remnants  of feeling “lesser than” still residing within me.

Make no mistake, there are areas of my life where I’m extremely competent, self-confident, and have a healthy dose of self-worth and value.    Along life’s way I’ve proven to be successfully self-reliant in handling challenges offered me.  I won’t speculate on the feelings which generate my determination to improve myself.   The “Whys” don’t matter.   Recognizing my desire to heal what I can, and creating my Renaissance Self as I become more authentic, is my goal.

I’m not looking for any overnight miracles.  It feels not unlike what a ‘Selfie’ might reveal if I had my hand caught in the cookie jar!  No need… nor sense… to deny it, and I’ve discovered  my eyes hardly burn anymore as I continue to peel my onion!

El fin Die Ende Einde La Fin ha sikum The End?

El fin
Die Ende
Einde
La Fin
ha sikum
The End!

I have found out that the more I share  my life’s experience, the more others can relate to me.  We all have the same feelings, only the circumstances causing these feelings may be different.  I’ll call this “striking life’s chords” – and this kind of music that plays can bring me closer together with my fellow man.  It’s the ‘similarity’ not the ‘difference’ that’s meaningful.

I have a story:  When I was in my early twenties, I am ashamed to say I had very little respect for  fellow human beings!  I guess I was in high survivorship mode, and  I don’t claim any awards for my temperament nor the sarcasm that came out of my mouth.

By the Grace of God my lawyer, who was also my mentor in those years,  recognized my disparity and  extended his hand in friendship and faith in me, and made a simple request:  For a week, spend at least 5 minutes with whomever I spoke   –   an elevator operator (yes, this was way back when) , a cashier at the check-out,  someone standing on the corner waiting for the bus or street car,  a fellow passenger, and especially the file clerk in my office whom he had heard about more than enough!  He assured me after this experience, I would report each conversation had been interesting to me,   would come away with valuable  knowledge about each person with whom I spoke, and I would thoroughly have enjoyed  the time spent.  HE WAS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!   After this life changing exercise,  I slowly began seeing, hearing, respecting, learning from and VALUING others.  This was not an overnight success!   I had lived twenty-some years in a selfish and ignorant darkness. It has taken me many years  – experiencing ups and downs, failures and successes –  to begin to define the life pathway I am carefully and intentionally choosing for myself today.

As I have shared this story with you, I am again  extremely grateful for the help I received because it started me on the upward  path of straightening my life out while I learned, always by experience.  I try to have no place for guilt or shame.  I do acknowledge that as I am absolutely honest with myself – and  continuously trying to become my authentic self –  emotional freedom is my reward.   I am always working to ‘get there’… never to  ‘arrive’.   I know,  if I ever think I’ve finally “got it”, the Universe will promptly give me an adequate nudge to show me otherwise!  I’m beginning to think living my life is a process of repetition, acknowledging new information, accepting ongoing change, and working through challenges as they appear….always being grateful for everything I have and am privileged to experience.   Summarily, in this process  I know my best effort is good enough.

There is  incalculable joy and self-worth that inflates me with each truth I acknowledge to myself…..and if  any experience of mine can be eye-opening to another I’m happy to share it.

HALLOWEEN NEARS  AND YET ANOTHER MASK REMOVED!

BOO!!

BOO!!   It’s not that scary!

One might say I was a vocal child!   I wasn’t so sassy; rather, I had the tendency to announce my presence and speak my mind at an early age.  I know I rendered words for mere shock value but this developed later in my life.

All too often I heard“….You and your big mouth!”

Some fifty years later I’m sitting in a dentist’s chair, and  the doctor remarked I had quite a small mouth in which to work.  I reached up,  pushed his hand aside, and exclaimed vehemently, “You’re wrong, I have a big mouth!”.  We talked about this, and clearly, I had the impression that I had an unusually large mouth.  I don’t recall  feeling self conscious about it, but until I learned differently that day,  I really thought I had a big mouth!

I often look back on my childhood and  I can relate to other times I’ve carried  false truths into my adulthood.

One time I was sitting in a beauty salon getting a new hair style, and reminded the stylist to take into account  I had a round face….. No!… I learned I do not have a round face, it is oval- shaped! 

I’m not overweight either, but that’s not what  I see in the mirror.  My truth relies on the scale and my clothes size.   My older sister was petite and undersized for her age.  I knew when my mother sewed clothes for us,  she bought the smaller pattern with my sister’s size in mind, and enlarged it a couple of inches for me!

Youngsters observe and hear and interpret literally.  I don’t believe  any malicious intent occurred; however, now I am much more aware of the power my own words and actions may possess.

Gosh, it’s exciting peeling my onion!

It's Worth It!

It’s Worth It!

 

…. And thank God for truth tellers!