July 22nd, was the  52nd birthday of my deceased son.

For those of you who don’t follow me, my son took his life almost 6 years ago.  I have written a blog about this, Seeing is Believing, 8/12/2015, for your backstory.

Ordinarily, I don’t dwell on the past, nor upon the details of how and when my son left my vision.  But, somehow, yesterday was different.  I went back to the very day, his birth, the way it all was…it was the first of two times I would feel unconditional love…and then I moved along forward in that timing to his ‘babyhood’, and my mind traveled to the happy child he was…I honestly don’t remember him crying about anything until we took away his pacifier when he was almost two!

I loved him so much, and he was absolutely the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen  (until his brother arrived one year, two weeks later!).  He had my full attention…and when sleep time came we’d rock in the chair as I prepared him for his slumber, and I’d tell him that I could hardly wait for him to wake up.  I’d lay him into his crib, and ‘off he’d go’ till we met soon again.  No fussing…he was still for the time.

Growing into boyhood,  my son showed an uncanny talent of gift-giving.  He always picked out the most thoughtful and needed gifts for me.  Before he was savvy enough to ask me what I might like, he just seemed to ‘know’.  I still have a golden necklace with the script word ‘Love’ in the center that he gave to me one Mother’s Day. (Coincidentally, I have a leather cowboy boot to hold a cigarette lighter  my other son had given to me on the  special day as well.  This has a story later to be told.)

Until yesterday, I hadn’t focused on the unmistakably generous heart my son had.  Sadly, later on in  his lifetime, I allowed smoke to fill my eyes and my emotional upset took center stage, and I mistakenly lost sight of his Essence, his Generous, Beautiful and Pure Heart.

Thankfully, this awareness has allowed me to view others  through yet another lens…with deeper focus and clarity.   I am again reminded if I ask, and look, the doors will open to me.

My heart has always been full of extremely deep love for my sons and  I feel my Blessings and my own heart-awareness in all of this today.

‘Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me…..’  These are partial lyrics of a song I used to sing in church in my younger years.  They ring so true for me now.

Sometimes, a touch of melancholia is the perfect antidote for missing someone in the flesh and it has stirred up the real truths of my wonderful life.  I am so grateful for everything I have lived and worked through to this very moment in my time.

Blessed Be All.