Yesterday, I did a ‘review of my life’ of sorts.  In my mind it looked much like a graph.  Lines going up and down creating peaks and valleys.  At first, it seemed like the peaks represented the ‘good times’ and the valleys were the ‘bad’.  But, as I continued to think, the peaks became more my survivals and the valleys were when I was in turmoil, figuring things out the best I knew how at the time, and making choices and changes trying to make it out of there so I could continue on living and moving forward.

The nice thing about looking back in this quiet way is that it’s easy to see everything that seemed important at the time with relative peace.  Why?  Because I’m here now, not there!

As I continued reviewing what obviously were the more difficult times of my life it became apparent that the most difficult times were repetitive and involved the same people.  Most were those people closest to me.  There also was a pattern when it came to the choices I made, like when I chose husbands, jobs, friends, etc.  I accept responsibility for my choices and outcomes and long ago came to grips with where I was at the time emotionally when I made those choices.  Kind of  like ‘I’d made my bed, so I had to sleep in it’, except  my own rationale allowed me to move the bed around any which way to accommodate a solution! These were the peaks! Resolution and solution.

The repetitive conflicts I had required more than just soothing the wound until another outburst occurred.  (This was the way it had gone for so many years) In retrospect, it required more action BY ME to end it!  Of course, as children we are powerless under an adult, but after we reach 18, we are considered age of majority and are held totally responsible for our actions.  I guess no one told me that I could take affirmative action when I didn’t like things the way they were! That isn’t to say I wasn’t rebellious, because I was, and ofttimes I took action in my own behalf, but many of those times weren’t  permanent.  Needless to say, the familial situations were much more difficult.

I’ve come to believe that in those repetitive situations it was my spiritual quest to survive and live for another day!  I’ve come to think that all of these familial ‘tests’ were offering me again and again the opportunity to emerge victorious – perhaps in past lives I may have buckled over and over again.

I mulled this life review over and as my thoughts kept digging, I began to feel freer, more proud of myself, and I definitely have an understanding within myself which percolates great self-compassion and feelings of achievement and accomplishment and survival.  Never that I can recall have I ever said “Why Me?”. I’ve always viewed myself as stanch.

So, what conclusion did I reach after my life review?  There were no combatants, there were formidable teachers;  I, too, was their teacher…“No, No, Not Anymore!” I realized that I only have pure power for myself.  This is not news to me in statement, but somehow I resonated with this conclusion in a more definite way:  I am not in this world to provide a ballast to someone else’s problems. I am here to be my own ballast and to provide example for others to figure out their own predicament.

“Too soon old, Too late Smart” is not true! Blessed Be.  To All Be Blessed.

We always have your back and hold your hand.

There is no such thing as being alone.   ~Gaya