Self Esteem

No mirrors and no one around me?  A ‘writing out loud’ moment.

If I was on a desert island I wouldn’t have others’ opinions to deal with, I wouldn’t be comparing myself to anyone else, and I wouldn’t make disheartening self-judgments.  I’d be living a trial-and-error existence, one of survival and experience and experimenting, always improving and moving forward.  I’d be creative and enduring.

If I was on a desert island I’d probably feel moments of dissatisfaction with my progress, but on the other hand I’d have moments of peak joy of accomplishment too.  I’d be having ‘inside moments’.   I’d recognize my efforts.  I’d be creative and enduring.

If I was on a desert island I’d be a spontaneous human being and there’d be no one standing in the wings ready to rain on my parade.  I’d make decisions about my life using my own rationale.   I’d rely upon my own standard as to the how and why I was making my decisions.  My intuition would be a reliable guide and I’d listen.  Instincts would alert me because there wouldn’t be the chatter of anyone else in my ears trying to control me.  I’d be creative and enduring.

If I was on a desert island I’d have to be self-reliant and alert.  I’d learn how capable I am in finding solutions for obstacles.  There wouldn’t be the opportunity to blame others, I’d be dealing with myself and nature…the Source of all things, the Creator of what Is and ME.  I’d be creative and enduring.

If I was on a desert island I’d be grateful for the sunshine and all the goodness in my life that provided me food and shelter and clothing and a body to wear the clothing, eat the food and enjoy my shelter.  I’d be grateful for the peace I could enjoy.  I’d be grateful for the hands I had to take care of myself, for my eyes which see the beauty of the world, for my taste buds as I prepared and ate my food.  I’d be creative and enduring.

If I was on a desert island I’d be my own entertainment, I’d sing my songs and dance and give thanks.  There’d be no thought about what I looked like, but rather, how I felt.  I would be asking my heart, not anyone else, what do you want from me today?  I wouldn’t need a mirror, I’d be creative and enduring.

Of course, I’m not on a desert island, but I’m brought to myself when I think like this and I’m reminded that essentially, it’s always between me and my Gaya, Source, Creator, Universe.  And, there is great comfort in my faith that I am unconditionally supported no matter what I do... there are always lessons to learn, yes, but I am no less worthy or important no matter what’s going on each day.  I’m reminded that it is I who create my reality.  It is exactly how I think things are that appears in front of me.  I am reminded that my conscious awareness is a state of beingness which I create.

In this fast moving world,  I can visit my desert island whenever I wish.  I am creative and enduring.

When you feel our connection, you feel the blanket of unconditional love and support.

Draw us closer into your heart and know we are with you.    ~Gaya

Blessed Be.  To All Be Blessed.

 

 

 

I DON’T LIKE COMPLAINING AND I DON’T LIKE COMPLAINERS!

Each person has their own brand of quarreling when it comes to their individual happiness.

I lived on the desert when I first moved to Arizona, 27 years ago…I liked the houses far apart.  I happen to like the ranchy look – hay bales, chickens in the yards, an old relic tractor standing out front and other memories of ‘how the west was won’ – maybe a wagon wheel (off a covered wagon, I hoped), and a horse barn topped it all off.  Soon enough contractors bought up lots of the land and before I knew it, housing developments started creeping in and ‘the look’ was gone.  At that time this was, perhaps, the most important thing happening in my life.  This may appear pretty shallow to some, but we’re speaking of my individual happiness here.  There was nothing I could do about the encroachment.  Another reason took me away, but for a fact, looking back those many years, I couldn’t have remained because the landscape changed more than I wanted to.

So, I come to this:  When I am disgruntled or dissatisfied with something, do I make a scene about it?  I’ve never questioned whether my behavior challenged any amendments of the United States Constitution.  I guess I’ve always felt I was free to do and say what I wished, trying not to cross personal boundaries (admittedly guilty at times), or violate laws.  Many have cautioned me through the years to keep my opinions to myself, insinuating that my opinions may cause dissension among family members, perhaps, or maybe just plain embarrassment for others.  I don’t believe I ever felt I was challenging ‘the establishment’.  Exercising who I was as a person was never a ‘statement of my freedom privilege’.

These days I am trying first to be true to myself, to my ideals, my principles, my integrity.  Since my son took his life almost 6 years ago, I became more serious about almost everything that pertained to me.  I became even more introspective.  I began to subjectively take areas of my life that I knew I disliked, and I decided to do whatever it took to make the changes within myself that would benefit me and everyone around me.  This is work, but it’s worth it.  I’ll tell you something – there really hasn’t been much time for my mind to be distracted by others’ drama (and there’s plenty to notice) while I keep my nose to my own grindstone.

Many defend their actions based on principle.  It’s everyone’s right to defend their principles.  The question is, does it have to be a public statement?  Or, can it be no different than when we do a good deed for another when no one is watching and we don’t mention it later either?  Can it be done in the confines of our home as we teach our children what we think is right and honorable?

Everything we do gives us learning lessons.  Human beings have been living by the trial-and-error method forever.  It seems we can be very stubborn and self-absorbed.  Thankfully, there seems to be evidence of a slight shift of the heart.  Are people finally beginning to see the dynamic between their level of self-love and self-care as it relates to their ability and level of care and concern that they are capable of having for anyone else around them?  Unmistakably there is the correlation, and no attempted change of anything on the outside can happen until change on the inside takes place.

I have so many ideals and ideas I want to consider, all to the end of my own self-fulfillment and awareness around my privilege of living the best life I can live.  I’m proactive for me.  I am no stoic.  I am a freedom fighter and I have never felt my rights have been violated.

I think it is a huge privilege of life in these United States to earn hundreds of thousands – even millions – of dollars a year, playing the sport one loves to play.  I’ve never heard of any racial discrimination toward anyone who can play the game exceptionally well.

Personal decorum, decency and dignity – very personal, indeed.  I am entitled to my opinions, and I make no judgment –   neither does Karma.  Blessed Be All.

 

  

We’ve heard about many who  ‘ponder the meaning of life’, right?  This topic has been intellectualized far too much by far too many in my estimation.  Why don’t people ponder their own lives?  After all, that’s what we know most about isn’t it?

I know myself better than anyone ever has or ever will – this includes my parents, sibling, husbands or best friends (but with one exception, perhaps, my Messenger and deep friend, Jannette Hoeksema).  I’ve never conveyed power over me to anyone, but in Jannette’s case, I have allowed a self-initiated invasion of my deepest privacy whether it be events in my life, or my emotions and pains through which I have learned my lessons to this very day.

Everyone should find an accountability partner.  Someone whom they can explode in front of – not in rage, but with authenticity and consistency and honesty – for the sake of absolute personal freedom to be who they are without fear of criticism or recrimination.

There was a time,  a glove was slapped across a face inviting a duel, in the name of Honor. Men chose death, upholding that honor…was it ego?  Who can know.  Heroics have been witnessed when a civilian,  or in wartime, an individual has jumped in the face of death to save another, or many, without regard to personal welfare.  There was Honor in those hearts to be sure.

Where is my honor?  Is it synonymous with integrity.  I might say so.  The first blog I ever wrote had to do with addiction.  I openly admitted I had beaten the addictions of alcohol and pills known as ‘uppers’ or ‘speed’.  That said, I also stated (I’m sure in the name of my Honor)”… Proudly, I’ve conquered these addictions – but I’m always keeping both eyes open – never to forget my self esteem and self respect are on the line!…”

Self esteem and self respect are huge honorable descriptive traits and this must be felt inside.  But, before I could feel it inside of me, I had to make a conscious commitment to make some changes and then uphold these actions, whereupon I then began to feel self esteem and self respect because I was keeping my promise to myself  and I never took that promise, nor the reasoning behind it, anything less than serious.

Too much talking, too little doing, not enough pondering of our own life.  We talk about things we can do nothing about, and we  complain about things in our lives that we can do everything about.  What is it?  Personal cowardice, laziness, lying, exaggeration,  small talk, superficiality, insincerity, boredom, procrastination or…wait for it…just plain wasting all-too-precious time of our lives!

I’ve shown my heroics and daring to state how I feel about what people are up to and not up to in their lives.  Personally, I am not affected because these time-wasters aren’t my type.  BUT SOCIALLY our children may be at high risk, and our world most definitely is at risk.  If human beings don’t start getting more serious about who they are, how they think, how important their lives are and their responsibilities to themselves and ultimately to this world, WHAT ON EARTH DO WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO AS A SOCIETY?

It is no wonder I show impatience from time to time.  No judgment here, but as the ecologists keep telling us, it is absolutely wrong to pollute our planet, I also believe it is absolutely wrong to dismiss oneself and the importance of having been created on this planet.   Everyone owes it to mankind to try to be the best they can be for themselves and as we intermingle, we all reap the benefits of honoring Self.

There is nothing to prove to another human being… there is everything to prove to one Self.  Blessed Be All.

 

 

 

“Get The Hook!”    This is an old expression from the vaudevillian era that was introduced in 1903….just in time for my ‘entrance’ in 1937, I’d say!

Novice performers would appear on “amateur night” competitions  and when their performances were unacceptable, the audience would scream, “Get the Hook”, and a long hook would protrude from behind the curtain and pull the performer off the stage.   A Saving Grace I think.

I’ve spent a good share of my life ‘on stage’, performing for whomever was captive at the time!  Such physical and emotional stress!… a set-up for criticism and ridicule!… a distraction from myself and whom I was really meant to be!… a pathetic way to behave and misdirect my life!… a bewildering result that has, until this very acknowledgment,  befuddled my authenticity!

NOW, by the same Saving Grace, I am grasping my own hook, and pulling myself off the stage of showiness….ostentatious subtle and not-so-subtle rude and sarcastic witty repartee… “acts” manifesting low self-esteem, fearing rejection, feelings of unworthiness, loneliness and much more.  I want to look at myself in the  mirror of self-imposed honesty and search out and destroy the last remnants  of feeling “lesser than” still residing within me.

Make no mistake, there are areas of my life where I’m extremely competent, self-confident, and have a healthy dose of self-worth and value.    Along life’s way I’ve proven to be successfully self-reliant in handling challenges offered me.  I won’t speculate on the feelings which generate my determination to improve myself.   The “Whys” don’t matter.   Recognizing my desire to heal what I can, and creating my Renaissance Self as I become more authentic, is my goal.

I’m not looking for any overnight miracles.  It feels not unlike what a ‘Selfie’ might reveal if I had my hand caught in the cookie jar!  No need… nor sense… to deny it, and I’ve discovered  my eyes hardly burn anymore as I continue to peel my onion!

El fin Die Ende Einde La Fin ha sikum The End?

El fin
Die Ende
Einde
La Fin
ha sikum
The End!

Yogurt 'n Life

Yogurt ‘n Life

Let’s get this show on the road!  I know how to drink alcohol; Eat!…Eat!… Eat!…;  popped “uppers” when I was in my twenties; and for over 40 years I smoked my brains out!  Proudly, I’ve conquered these addictions –  but  I’m always keeping both eyes open – never to forget my self esteem and self respect are on the line!

On the other hand, about a year ago, one of my  “granddaughters” (a tale to tell later) sent me a yogurt maker.  I make plain whole milk yogurt and Greek yogurt at least twice a week – sometimes more.  There’s nothing like it!  I am a yogurt junkie!!!

I don’t need to kick this healthy habit, but I’d be happy to discuss how  I’ve successfully kicked the others.  Interested?