Life and Living

I’ve mentioned from time-to-time how I belong here in Arizona…I’ve felt this way from the time I flew over Phoenix when I arrived for my first visit over 50 years ago. My eyes swelled with tears as I stared below through the aircraft window.  I felt like I was coming home, and had no reasonable explanation for these feelings.

This phenomenon happened every time I flew into the city, and each time I left.  I visited several times for many years  and these feelings never changed.  Happy to be home, and always sorry to leave.   In the early 60’s,  I lived here for almost four years.  My two sons were born here.

When I eventually moved here in 1990, it was my final return!  I had spent  years  yearning and planning and dreaming of getting back here and never leaving again.  This time I came by car with the moving van following behind.  I had a home to move into, and couldn’t wait to get into it!  My oldest son (now deceased) drove with me for good reason.  I was  bringing a dog and a cat, and his company was wanted and needed in so many ways.  It turned out to be one of the nicest times he and I ever spent together and this experience is a fond memory  I revisit often.

I arrived in early Spring, and  spent that Summer walking the desert exclaiming “Thank you God, Thank you God!”, and very nearly went broke!.  I was self employed and kept putting off getting my business up and running.  Thankfully, I ‘came to my senses’ and redirected myself; after all, this was no vacation anymore! I was here permanently now, and began to wrap my mind around that fact!  I was finally  home for good!

I reference drums because from day one, I’ve always felt an affinity to the Native American culture.  In fact, when my first son was born, I had hired a young woman from the Hopi nation.  I can’t remember her face, but I have never forgotten her name.  Somehow she felt ‘familiar’ to me.  I’ve been to some ruins, and each time I visit, it’s like I ‘remember’….I have  music of Incan Pan Pipes, Native American Flute….. hauntingly beautiful sounds that stir thoughts in my mind of a time my soul has known.  Sometimes when I walk, I begin chanting in the tribal way, and I can tell when I am sounding to my happiness or my sorrow.

This is the first occasion I have shared any detail along these lines about me.  I think it’s time because I’ve been noticing that I’m stirring inside….I’m continuing on my spiritual path, my intuitive nature is surfacing more, and I’m feeling  a oneness to my surroundings, my place on this planet and in this Universe.  I’m feeling very comfortable with this path I am following.

This morning, from out of nowhere,   I said something to myself (out loud, which is  not unusual), that startled me.   Instantly, I retorted,  “This isn’t You!”…”Stop thinking and saying things like this when you know this isn’t the real you!”  …..and then I heard the drums in my mind….the steady beat…the comforting and familiar sound.  Something inside me has changed.  I know it is all good,  and I also know I must tread slowly, yet confidently.  Clearly, I am enjoying the newness of this.

Some of my friends who follow my blog might surely be surprised by this admission.  All I can say is yes, it’s me, the real me….little by little emerging from a new chrysalis.

My sense is, this stage of development occurs again and again in our lifetimes.   I believe I am gently unfolding and awakening to living my life with a new clarity of purpose by Divine Intention.

The Beauty of the Emergence of Living

The Beauty of the Emergence of Living

Way back in my past, when I was a single mom raising two young sons, I had many blessings in many ways, and many challenges in many other ways!  It seemed  I could always have used more money!

The most sizeable bill – the mortgage –   sometimes played “Peter” so “Paul” could get paid!  When Christmas came around, there was no question, I had to go into more debt, and this was around $250.00.   This was a lot of money 45 years ago, and going  in debt for Christmas presents always gave me a bad taste in my mouth!  Luxuries were few and far between…Christmas was the biggest luxury of all.  Every year I took pictures of the tree and all the packages beneath it.  Sort of a record of this colossal indebtedness and how well I pulled it off!

During my  workweek, I’d stroll a department store on my lunch hour.   One day…there it was!!… a bikini –  sailor blue,  not extreme.  It had a double  breasted cover- up with 4 large white buttons.  This was not your typical spandex suit…the material looked and felt like a washable wool.   I wanted this more than a meal!  Price tag:  $80.00!    For me to spend that kind of money for a swimsuit was unheard of…  I spoke to a sales clerk and inquired whether it’d ever go on sale.  She told me to check periodically for price reductions.   I was on a vigil…the  day came… the price was slashed to $16.00!  It was mine!  Owning this suit gave me an inordinate amount of joy for years to come…. such a trivial luxury thrilled me every time I slipped it on.  I had  waited out the bargain with an “if it’s meant to be” attitude, and never forgot how grateful and Blessed I felt to have it.  Obviously, I still treasure this memory.

Another time I was shopping for a shower curtain…and found the most adorable white eyelet, two piece, with a top ruffle… again, a “had-to-have -it-no-matter-what” love!…  $20.00!  This was a “decorator”  shower curtain, not the $4.00 one that resembled a ‘liner’!  I loved it so much I could taste it!   I bought it…never looking back….and nearly 40 (yes, 40!) years later,  it still adorns my bathroom today! I’ve lengthened it to the new style –  I permanently sewed the ruffle to add about 10 inches to the top, and  was lucky enough to find a white eyelet bed skirt (at a thrift store one day) and  I used that ruffle to add another 14 inches at the bottom.

Valuing something…whether it’s a bikini or a shower curtain…is no different than completing a special project.  It’s the combination of affectionate energy force, frugality, creativity, ingenuity, deep personal interest…and it becomes part of me.  It’s a birthing of sorts…an extension of me.  It’s not at all complicated.  It’s simplistic and sweet…..it’s part of my uniqueness…a personal treasure…no one could experience it as I do….

I hope I’ll always recognize and remember the treasures that are presented in my life and the intrinsic and Magical value they represent only unto Me!

You Are So Beautiful To Me

You Are So Beautiful To Me

 

 

Until recently, I thought I understood the theory of ‘mirroring myself in another’,  I.e., when I become  acutely aware  what I dislike in someone, I’m recognizing a quality  I inherently dislike in myself!  And, when I’m  unexplainably  attracted to someone (male or female) I’m recognizing  traits in that individual that I like in myself!  Sounds simple, albeit annoying!   In these processes,  more than once I’ve been reprimanded for my ‘judgmental’ approach in my criticisms.  Conversely,  I’ve never been complimented  for my ‘judgmental’ favoritism.  Just sayin’.

Consider the word, “discernment”….in my view, this is the independent ability to make decisions about people and things that don’t have to do with mirroring anything….it’s simply an individual’s right and  choice to decide,  based upon personal integrity and perceptions, that something is different [than preferred] and  make a decision accordingly.  Ergo, if I  don’t like public nose picking and view it as a disgusting display, so be it!!

How much house does a person need…. just because it is affordable?    I live in a small home…but admittedly, I’d like one somewhat larger and in a more desirable neighborhood or a ranch property!  This is my Ego talking.   I’m grateful for what I do have  –  a paid-up homestead!  I’m dancing around this admission already!….  knowing full well, I have one foot in the hot water!    Could I even feel ‘at home’ in a  3,000 sq. ft. space, or more?  I don’t think so.  Just as I don’t think I could have two or more places of residence and feel ‘at home’ in all of them equally.  Right now, everything I have in my home has an “attachment value”…I love all of it, as well as me in it…and there’s also a story connected to most everything inside these walls.  This is an outgrowth of downsizing, making my life simpler and less cluttered, more meaningful and special to my heart.   As I write these very words, I believe I’ve just solved a personal dilemma!  ( I do believe I’ve got it! [sic])  I’M FINALLY SATISFIED…. NO YEARNING FOR MORE!

STATS:

 GRATITUDE FACTION:  STEADY CLIMB

 SELF-IMPOSED SELF-ESTEEM RESTRICTION:

RESTRICTION:  O

SELF-ESTEEM:  STEADY CLIMB

Enough is Enough

Enough is Enough

I'll take One of Everything

I’ll take One of Everything

 

 

 

 

Here, it’s the day after Thanksgiving Day, my absolute favorite of holidays, and I’m beginning to solemnize the coming countdown to the end of the year!

I don’t exactly remember how I started this personal tradition – it was many, many years ago – but it has become an ever so  sweet ‘encounter with my life’ as it  unfolds each past year.  There’s nothing sad about it.  There is a ‘tickling look around the corner’ , and  a standard of personal pride, as I recollect my projects and/or accomplishments, my spiritual ‘questations’, new learning, overcoming whatever challenges that had presented, and my general “Peace in the Valley”, here in Arizona.  It took me about 21 years to return, and now I’ve been here another 25 years, where I absolutely belong and thrive!

Actual New Year’s  Eve presents itself to me as a ‘rest’.  I start my process early evening, and sometimes it lasts several hours…or conversely, it can last only 20-30 minutes.  I think the duration may be directly related in part to my advancing age.

When I was younger I used to look back 10 years and forward 10 years.  I’d gently reflect my past – never came up regretting a thing! – and projected the coming 10 years –  setting out dreams and goals and ideas how I wanted my life path to wend.  Nothing was ever written in ink!  As I aged, the 10-year span lessened to 8 and then 5.   But,  last year I pulled myself up short!  I became quite unsettled in the notion that due to my actual age, I might not have 5 years to project!  For a time, my joy came to an abrupt halt!  Couldn’t I have any more dreams and goals?  Couldn’t I be wishful and even romantic in my mind as I placed one foot in front of the other on my path?  Was I so near the end of my human life that I was left to ‘settling for’ and making plans for my restriction, not my freedom of living?  Thankfully, this horrifying thinking was short lived!

Of course, I had a life in front of me…the same life with the same unknown future length of time! It became easy for me to ‘rest’ again, and review my past 5 and unknown future 5 years, without any intimidation or hesitation, as I formulated my goals and ideas and ‘forever  path’.  I laughed at myself for even entertaining such  paralyzing thoughts!  Fact is, I’ve never known when my time will be up, and never will, so I’ll just keep living ’till I’m stopped!

I’m looking forward to ‘resting’ this coming yearend as I gather all the wonderful memories and ongoing experiences I’ve already accumulated – all of which are new to me – ever!   When I peek ahead, I am aroused by the excitement which builds within me –  not unlike anticipating Christmas morn when I was a youngster –  as I begin to exercise my Magical Thinking and let loose  that side of me where absolutely anything and everything is possible!

By the time New Year’s Eve arrives, I’ll be ready….and  the twists from my magical thoughts will soar into the Universe much to my delight.

Watch Out World, Here I Come!

Ready or Not

Ready or Not

 

Musing…I love it!  There are times in my life that signify thrill….utter elation…uncontrollable emotion (tearful and joyful)…those “aha” moments that made me feel like an inventor (when I said to myself “why didn’t I think of this sooner!”)…holding my newborns for the first time…first house…first love…telling my lawyer why I needed the divorce(s)…signing the lease on my first office space when I became self-employed…my 4-year-old son holding a drumstick as big as his cheeks, my mother with a Pilgrim hat on her head which my other son made in art class at school…my first color TV – Wow.  what a day that was – in my mind in color right now!  Shallow?  Not from where I sat at that time.  I was a single mother, not much money, believing I lived an abundant life, irrespective of my checkbook balance!…some reminders that twinkle my experiences past.

I revere life  in it’s entirety, which provides the basis for my joy and gratitude.  I humbly revel in the fact that I try my best, get through to the other side, find new strengths, and am Thankful in every way for what is today.

We’re nearing my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving.  It’s a lot of work to do…the hustle bustle of preparation and cooking, and then the satisfaction seeing the ‘turkey bird’ all plumped up on the platter, and the wonderful mixture of smells in the kitchen…the bounty of it all.  I’ve been known to enjoy this day all by myself…cooking this whole meal just for me!  No feelings of aloneness, no melancholy or tears.  There’s a space within me that heralds the whole event to my fullest joy!  A magnificent feeling!

I GIVE THANKS FOR  EVERYTHING

EVERY SINGLE DAY

Abundance For All

Abundance For All

Yesserie!…The only Devil I acknowledge is my Ego!  It’s never up to any good as far as I know!  When I’m going backward …. back to my ‘old ways’… I know that diabolical troublemaker has a big hand in whatever is poking it’s ugly head out from under the sand where I thought I dug it in for good!

Especially now, when I’m trying to get a better handle on becoming the person I want to be…when I think I might  be getting the hang of it, so to speak….Then, without warning I find myself in a pickle!

Case in point:   I wrote a blog, “By Hook or By Crook… I Want Off!”  I talked  about the ‘show-off’ stage I had placed myself on for years…and how I had come to grips with the fact I no longer wanted to behave like this nor suffer the accompanying stress!   As I wrote this blog I was so relieved to have recognized this less than desirable trait and was eager to cast it aside!  YET, lo and behold, I discovered I have traded platforms!  Now I’m ‘on’ when I log in to Facebook!   Most every morning I have been posting an ‘attraction’ on my Timeline – as if anyone really is interested in my comings and goings! – as if anyone really cares how I turn a phrase!  I can’t believe I fell back into that trap!   I know I’m beating myself up over this, but authenticity is critical to me, and the last thing I want to present in my blogs is material that doesn’t reflect my sincerity of effort as I continue to fulfill my spiritual quest….  offering my personal experiences along the way.  This is about my Self-worth and Self Confidence!  I already feel better  for having acknowledged this.  (I’m reminded of yet another blog I authored, “Self Satisfaction – It’s Between Me and Me!”…Yes, I get it now, and I have the referenced  ‘Grand Feeling’ once again.)

FULL  GRATITUDE  TO MY UNIVERSE!….  MY CREATOR!….MY INTUIT THAT I TRUST NOW MORE THAN EVER!  THANK GOD FOR THIS REMINDER!

BE GONE EGO!!!…. WHOSE FINAGLING STRENGTHS INTERFERE WITH MY BEING WHOM I KNOW I WANT TO BE.

Aside:    I like the way I write my blogs –  they are inspired.    After I’ve written and published,  The Universe punctiliously offers a life experience to put me to the test of my truth!    I’m so grateful for this life opportunity and I will not intentionally be anyone less than my shared experiences and feelings.

Always Around When I Need Her

Always Around When I Need Her

Many years ago I went to a psychologist to discuss a very narrow piece of my life that I wanted “fixed”!

I was having problems extricating my sons’  lives and problems from my own.   It had gone so far that when someone asked me how I was, I’d respond with what was going on with my sons and how it was affecting me!  After a few sessions, I learned it was I who was having the problem separating my life from my sons’!

I think it is terribly hard to live in spite of,  not because of, another’s behavior.   For years I thought if only my sons would  listen to me, then everything would be just fine!   It took a therapist to remind if they didn’t listen to me when they were 10 and 11, whatever made me think they would listen to me when they were 22 and 23!

End of story?  Yes, but not the end of my relearning, to this day these same facts of my life:   Anything anyone else is up to – no matter who they are or how close they are to me, is not reason enough for me to blame them for how I feel or how bad my life is going!  Simple to say, not so easy to do!

Let’s face it, it’s lots easier for me to point a finger and think “if only you………then I could and would be much happier…..”, or whatever.  It’s the “If only” that starts me out all wrong.

God Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Change

Courage to Change the Things I can

And the Wisdom to Know the Difference.

Each time I read these words, I interpret them a bit differently.  Each time, I feel more responsibility to make sure I’m working to change the ‘whatever’ (not whomever) I can! 

Not long ago I found it necessary to refer to these words and was reminded it is only my feelings that I am responsible for, not the actions of others.  And,  it is my responsibility to figure out what I am willing and/or able to change about myself, or any given situation, that could have a positive effect on me and make my life easier.  I am then able to reach deep within my “wisdom place” and make the endpoint choice that brings me peace.

IF MY DOG, ROSE, DIGS ONE MORE HOLE I’M GOING TO TETHER HER UP TO THE CLOTHES LINE!  I CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS!

It's Up To Me

It’s Up To Me!

One way or another, all of my thinking involves CHOICE!  Whatever happens to me requires me to make a decision how I will act or react, what I’ll want or not want… choose to stay or go. Choice is Freedom…Freedom is Power! Power over my life, NOT OVER OTHERS’.  Power over  what I want to accomplish, become, or complete.  I’m not referring to projects I  started and chose to abandon.  More specifically, what components toward my life’s destiny do I want to complete?

YOU GOTTA’ HAVE POWER….MILES AND MILES AND MILES OF POWER!  (Heart too!)

There are myriad possibilities and opportunities for me to consider….IT ALL DEPENDS UPON ME…Not who raised me, not who hurt me, not even who loves me…IT DEPENDS UPON HOW MUCH I LOVE MYSELF AND HOW MUCH I LOVE OTHERS.

I feel this  Freedom of powerful choice…  my wings readying for flight….my mind swirling with more Joy and more Gratitude  for the privilege of being alive and wanting to peek around a corner, over the cliff (not so much, I’m afraid of heights, but you get the idea!)…..asking questions, considering more ideas, developing new thinking and continuing to open my mind and heart just because I’m alive and am free to do it just for me!

I feel powerful… I am exuberant. These powerful feelings are  peculiar only unto me and  my happiness.   I am want for words and understanding how an iPhone can overtake the wonderment of life and the privilege to live it.

No need to intellectualize, criticize, or externalize….mine is to prioritize, maximize, minimize, accentuate, eliminate what does or doesn’t fit into my vision for my personal fulfillment and completion toward my destiny.  A part of my journey…the marathon of my life.

No pressure…all excitement and enthusiasm to feel what I feel and do what I’m able to thoroughly enjoy Life’s Bounty!

At the end of the day, I am after all, a woman born of privilege and I’ve never realized it more than right this moment.

LET FREEDOM  [FOR LIFE] RING!

My Life, My Choice

My Life, My Choice

This is coming off the top of my salt ‘n pepper head!

I’m always introspecting something, that’s just me!  I wake up every morning with an abounding energy that lasts until around 11:30 A.M.  If I’m going to get anything done it has to be done before then…..thinking included.

This morning during my brain picking, for some reason I equated it to flower picking!  When I pick flowers, NEVER would I consider choosing dead or wilting flowers for my bouquet.  Yet, when I’m thinking I don’t even think twice about whether or not I want to pick up a good memory or a bad one or a ‘story’ that isn’t even reality, which I call “worry”!

Sometimes I zero in on ‘Other’:  Anyone else in memory shot…. Inner  or Outer Circle, no matter.   This direction of thinking brings me to focusing on others’  business – not my business – and before I know it, I can unwittingly conjure  a litany of issues – again, not my business – that apparently I’d rather dwell upon than turn my thoughts around and nit pick myself and my business!

My brain is an indiscriminating fertile ground of information…not necessarily facts…and if I don’t stay on top of what I take from it when I’m sourcing my introspection, I can bring myself off track and ultimately cause myself undue emotional discord and before I know it I’ve used up perfectly good energy that provides no pleasure to me, nor does it extend my spiritual learning curve!  In fact, it is destructive and undermining to my integrity and the person I want to be.

This is another definition of living (and thinking) mindfully!

I’m going to do a better job of nipping my thoughts in the bud (no pun intended).

Life is a bouquet to my senses:  A perfume that permeates my Soul when I supply the mindful groundwork, and a fresh gathering of beautiful thoughts that I cultivate, fertilize and tend, so the  bountiful feelings of Peace, Gratitude, Joy, Love, and Presence to my own Life and my own World will always be in perfect order.

Tulips

Beautiful Thoughts For The Picking

 

Dedicated to the removal of Self-Doubt

When I continually  feel the resonance of Peace and  Calmness within me…When I conscientiously conduct myself with poise, posture and humility never to disgrace myself or another… When facing an adversary I acknowledge  “it doesn’t matter to me or my life…it matters to that life” and believe it ….When it is no longer necessary to raise my voice out of weakness…When a scale does not set the standard of my self-esteem or self-worth…When I stop looking outside myself for my answers…When I trust myself and have unequivocal self-reliance and Faith which dictate my decision making…When I don’t shrink from my responsibilities to myself or anyone else…When I recognize I need help and turn to the source for that help… When I know I feel love sincerely for all fellow human beings and freely demonstrate these feelings by extending my hand in friendship and caring for their welfare…When I thrill to the notion of living life with abandon, albeit responsibly and self-confidently.…When I stop dreading anything,  knowing I will never face the imagined Kodiak Bear!… When I am always in awe of the Magnificence of the Universe and my place in it…  When I take my daily steps  into the unknown,  deliberately planting my feet with anticipation, excitement, wonder and  welcoming affirmation toward whatever unfolds, knowing and accepting all is ultimately for my best good and growth…When I thank everyone  from my past  and  current experiences again and again for the opportunities that have been afforded me just for the taking, and By the Grace of God…When all of my words and actions are inspired by my  generous heart with no reservations nor expectations…When the words “doubt”, “can’t”, “never”, “always” “hate” or any other word of negativity, restriction, dissatisfaction or judgmentalness  are  passé to me…When at the end of each day I look forward  to bowing my head in humility and integrity, honoring my Creator and being Thankful for the Privilege of Doing My Best Every Day Of My Life to OUR’ SATISFACTION…And, finally…to paraphrase Patrick Overton:

When I come to the edge of all of the light I have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, I will believe that one of two things will happen:  Either there will be something solid for me to stand on – or I will be taught how to fly!

I AM THAT I AM.

I AM THAT I AM.