Life and Living

Am I NOT, Yet?

December 3, 2016 / / Life and Living

It is very early in the morning and I couldn’t get my writer’s hat on fast enough!  (Feels like ‘the days of the journal’!)

I had thoughts in my mind this morning the minute I awoke.   I have been writing and talking about getting to know myself, excavating and digging deeper and deeper as I uncover and discard that which doesn’t suit me anymore, and certainly doesn’t prove to be my truth anymore.  I am feeling so good.  I continue enjoying the privilege of living and then it came to me:  I JUST MIGHT BE CONTENT!  What a lovely word, “Content”.  Webster defines it thus:  “1.  happy enough with what one has or is; not desiring something more or different; satisfied. …”.  It feels mighty good to be content.  I don’t feel like I’ve ‘arrived’…no, not even close to this…more, I feel like I can now look around, absolutely love myself and how I have been learning about mySELF and I want to continue on this path of living with confidence and ease and grace.  Of course, I will continue to fulfill myself in whatever way makes me happy while I try to make others happy as well.

Because we never ‘arrive’, one may misunderstand the “Yet?” piece.  If one hasn’t done this or that “yet”, one may feel that they are not fulfilled, or haven’t measured up to what others do.   It’s no good to compare myself to another.    It is good to strike my own balance and be my own ‘self-starter’.  Pick what I want to do, whether it be a project or a thing on my ‘things to do list’, and be self-satisfied with my effort.

I have found myself ‘reporting’ almost daily to my friends – explaining what I’m going to do, how I’m feeling, what I think is coming next, how I want to change this or that…. It’s like a tally  I am keeping  and it feels almost like I’m being force-fed some need to update my life or give a progress report or something.  It just occurred to me that no one is asking me how I am or what I am up to…..I’m the one generating my status.   What’s up with this anyway?   This is a different kind of a rat on a wheel I think.  It feels like  I’m in a group therapy session almost every day!

I don’t have any “Yet?” in my head.  My life has purpose each day I open my eyes…a new day…the operative word is “new”.

For everyone who has taken on the  ‘ideal of wanting to become someone ‘:      If I want to be a public speaker, for instance, I don’t stop all the other engines in my living and work…. I can’t afford to.   If I stop paying attention to my other responsibilities in my life as I believe them to be, I’d end up lost, I think.  The very idea that I could drop everything [and everyone?] to pursue my own ‘ideal life and persona’ would be self-destructive to me.  Why?  Because I have been a work in progress since I came onto this planet – I have always been striving and doing whatever ‘suits my fancy’, whether it be employment choices, marriage choices, house choices, friend choices……and the list of ‘choices’ goes on and on. Most of us have heard the adage, “Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.”   I have to have a few balls in the air so if I happen to drop one, there are still a couple more I can work with.  My identity is not what I do.  My identity is who I am!  

So, I am a woman of years, who continues to work with my life and I am grateful I have discovered new ways to enhance how I go about doing this.  For one, I have become more conscious of what my responsibilities are to my SELF:   I am responsible to maintain my well-being, and what this means to me is that I want to have peace in my surroundings, and these surrounds include my inner circle of family and friends.  I am responsible to keep an equilibrium of thought and this encompasses my spectrum of personal desire (the level of the fire in my belly, the  quality of time spent with whomever and whatever),  my actual abilities as I know them, and above all,  my self-confidence and my faith in myself and the Universe, of which I believe I am a part.    I am the only one responsible to achieve what I want to achieve for myself.  If change is necessary, I am the only one who can make those changes in myself.

I am not obsessed with living my life….I am grateful for the opportunity to do whatever I put my mind to.   And, while I’m putting my mind to the privilege of living my life, I will  keep blogging and doing videos and whatever else that makes me happy….

What is a RUT?  Webster says:  “1.  a groove, furrow, or track, especially one made in the ground by passage of wheeled vehicles.  2.  a fixed, routine procedure or course of action, thought, etc….”.

I am  satisfied with what I have and who I am while I’m continuing to BE.  What “Is” is the “Yet?” every single day I am alive!  Blessed Be.

 

 

I Am Not In A Rush! Angels Have No Fear!

November 22, 2016 / / Life and Living

I don’t think that I have much fear.   When I used to interview for a job, meet new people sometimes, I’d have feelings of anxiousness around outcome – I’d hope I’d get the job, or I’d hope ‘they’d like me’.  Without question, I know I would have extreme fear if I were in physical danger.    When I suffered through 7 years of extreme anxiety all those many years ago, I did indeed fear the onset of the debilitation that occurred.  But now, I can look back on this as ‘a time in my life that I did come through and I hope it never occurs again.’   On a day-to-day existence, I do not pay much attention at all when it comes to a feeling of trepidation  or of feeling afraid.  I have told myself I have test-fear syndrome, so any ‘test’ at all (even the written drivers’ exam), hits my gut and it is very difficult for me.    It’s my fear of failure at that level I guess.  I also have a fear of heights.  So, as I’m ‘therapizing’ myself, what a strange conundrum of thoughts I am presenting to myself!

I KNOW BETTER NOW!  I declare my identity!  I live out what I decide is going to be!

What sets up a person for fear?  I look at this from the point of my own personal awareness.   I cut a finger washing a glass years ago, and since then,  have always been more careful to make sure my little finger isn’t rubbing round the rim that may have a chip (that’s how it happened).  I got thrown off a horse when I was 47 and very nearly could have been killed, much less badly injured; however, the residual was  that I had not been injured, and I ‘thought’ I was afraid to get up on another horse.  But, when I was 55 I mounted a horse again, and found I wasn’t  afraid after all.  So,  my brain  (Ego)  lies to me big time and keeps me from experiencing  life to my absolute fullest joy!

I recently had 5 ‘strangers’ living with me in my home for almost two weeks and we all got along beautifully and there were absolutely no suspect feelings as we intermingled our lives while we attended the Celebrate Your Life event in Scottsdale, Arizona.  So, what does this say to me?  It tells me I place myself into circumstances that I wish to be a part of and when I do this, I am free of any misgivings and I trust myself and have faith in my decisions that I am doing what is right for me at the time.  I had only feelings of wishing all would have a wonderful time staying with me, and that I would provide myself from my heart, which, indeed, I did.

How many times I say I enjoy the PRIVILEGE of living…and now more than ever I am getting in touch with what this really means to me.  I am approaching 80 years old in April, and I’m investigating all the corners of my world trying to learn more about myself and others as well, that ultimately fulfills me and gives me peace and understanding.

I own nothing – no people, no things, when I transition to the other side.  So, I own nothing now either.  I am myself, and I do owe it to my Self to love myself absolutely, and treat myself and others with love and respect, do my best,  and fill myself up with all the joy I can find as I honor my Creator – the Universe – that has supported my existence thus far and I believe, will continue to do so for eternity.   Life changes moment to moment, and I can view it as an exciting time again and again, or I could ignore all the wonderment and deny my Higher Self the privilege of living my life to its potentially highest fulfillment .  I choose what’s behind Door Number One!

Blessed Be to All.

 

 

“Best in Show” is for Dogs…It’s “Best in Life” for Me from Now On!

September 26, 2016 / / Life and Living

NOW WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT! ?  How many times haven’t I said this to myself – in 79 years, I would say it has been at least 300!  (Just a guess, of course.)

It is a wildly exciting day for me as I write.   I know this exciting feeling is by my own doing  and I am fully aware that I absolutely do create where I am every single day as the calibration/synchronization of my energy vibration unites with the Universal energy vibration and I am perpetually living in My Now.

For those of you who have never read my blog until this day, here is a short recap:  I began Liferays.net on July 4, 2015.  This was an unthought-out whim – that’s exactly how I get the intuitive nudge within me when I am  ‘up to something’ that I don’t consciously know I am starting… but the Universe knows exactly what is in my best interests and to my greatest good and that of others around me! (And, unless I get an intuit to jump out of a plane without a parachute, I try to heed my intuitive nudges!)   

I am no different than anyone else on this planet.  I have felt the fire inside of me every time I have  wanted to do something that was different from my everyday world.  It’s called “an idea” which seems to worm its way inside of me faster and deeper than ordinary, and before I can say  “Jack Robinson”, I am fixated on some kind of a life plan just for me.   I recall what may have been the first time in my life I ‘took hold’ of an intuitive nudge and started to learn how to fly.  I believe it was when I was around 11 years old – I was a cowgirl without a ranch, nor did I have the horse (yet), but I did have cowboy boots that I wore all the time, and I wanted a six-gun(cap-gun)!   I went across the street to the drug store, picked out a gun, and ‘cut my deal’.  It went something like this:  “I don’t have all the money, but I can give you some now, and I’ll pay you something each week from my allowance until it’s paid for…..and I want to take the gun with me today.”  That day I knew in my heart that I had some kind of determination and power – I do remember how intently I was feeling about this, and there simply was no other alternative to my direction.  I did get the gun, brought it home, my mother was dismayed (to say the least) over what I had done and tried very hard to ‘make’ me return it.  No Way!  I had manifested what I wanted!   I really didn’t understand the dynamic with which I was working, but as time has gone by, yes indeed, I have learned how I have been manifesting  positive or negative results in my life by the power of my thoughts, and I have brought forward in my life everything I had entertained in my mind with enough fire in my belly and with such ease as if I had touched my path with a magical wand.   THIS IS MY TRUTH!

I want to be the best I can be…I want to live the best life I can live…I want to manifest this desire all of the time and feel that FIRE IN MY BELLY FOR LIFE…..AND THIS MAGNIFICENT BLISSFUL ENLIGHTENED THINKING PROPELS ME. 

I’ve peeled so much of my onion since I launched this blog   I am increasingly aware how I am excavating my authentic self, and as I have been traveling my spiritual  path, I am positive that I want to  “best myself” every day for the rest of my life. I am going to happily  micro-manage my life …… how I speak to myself and everyone else; how I perform every mindful action.  I am the power and I have taken on this significantly new awareness of my responsibility to myself, who I am,  and whom I want to become.  This is a formidable intention that brings with it obvious humility because it is an entirely new consciousness  upon which I am embarking.

Now I am really feeling the privilege of living the life I have been created to live, of which I have spoken so many times in the past. Blessed Be.

 

 

 

 

How Do I Do? It’s Nice to Continue to Meet Me!

August 28, 2016 / / Life and Living

I had a landslide thought!  I keep working with my authenticity, in order to discover the Real Me!  Just the other day I had what I called a final Whew!  The feeling of wholeness and knowledge of exactly who I finally am and whom I finally want to be as I continue to enjoy the privilege of living my life to the fullest.

Well, that was “…..Just the other day….”!  WHO AM I KIDDING?!!!!!!  I can’t even imagine that I actually felt this way! After all, I’ve said time and again, life is so fluid and ever-changing that I might as well not worry about too much –  certainly not expect or anticipate anything –  and try to be mindful and live in the moment! Now, I come to the conclusion ‘just for today’  to quit describing what I think is going on with me!  When I’m open to everything presented to me, and when I view my options as plums to enhance my experience, the day-to-day of things is quite a whirlwind of events  – a kaleidoscope of  learning and feelings…..none to be carved in stone or written in ink!

I’m on an everlasting life journey that had a beginning, but has no ending.  Presently, I’m filling my Higher Self, Soul Self, Essence, with  experience and lessons to carry forward into another existence, again to be filled up, and forevermore.     Now, I want to offer as much quality, authenticity,  vitality and awareness as I can integrate – a continued gamut of feelings, depths of compassionate expression and Love and Respect for myself and all other life, together with an awareness of what impact I might be able to make that can be positive and sustaining as I continue to move through my journey..Always being utterly grateful for my continued Blessings.

I know I am here on this planet for this time in human form to carry myself with ease and grace and love in my heart for absolutely everything and everyone wherever I am.  We are all here for this same grand purpose of individual fulfillment.  It begins and ends with TOTAL LOVE.   I unabashedly continue to solicit my alignment with the Universe to flood my Being with understanding and compliance to this end.  

This is a Noble Intention

 

My Heart Has A Built-In Compass – When The Needle Quivers, I Know…

August 10, 2016 / / Life and Living

Hello Everybody….This message is filled with All My Heart!  Of course, everything I give out comes from that place within me where I have learned something that improves me and enlightens me in a different way; but today, I am filled with a different kind of knowing.   I am full of reminders of how quickly I can be drawn away from my already successful chosen path.

Human I am,  wanting to be the best I can be at any given time. This in mind, sometimes I’m thrown a curve-ball, when I try to accommodate everyone, and be everything to everyone, and we all know this is an impossibility.  When I get to this point, I am not only confusing myself, but I’m doing an injustice to anyone and anything else around me.

I’ve always had a touchy gut – it twists and knots up, and reaches my head too, until I’m feeling outside myself,  and I’m in anguish and turmoil inside.  Thankfully, my Heart Compass grasps my Soul Self and, before I know it, I’m finding a confidant of unconditional scope with whom I can share my feelings and begin to unravel my mixed up thoughts and emotions and straighten out my direction once again.

I’ve heard “Trust your gut”, “Let your Conscience be your guide”, “Follow your Heart”, Trust your Intuition”, “Sit in the Silence and the Answers Will Come”.  At the end of the day,  it all boils down to trusting My Self and My Feelings which calls for mindfulness to what my body and mind and heart and Soul are trying to say to me so I can realign with the Universe.

Learning….Lessons….Enlightenment…Growths….I continue to Love and Enjoy  the privilege of living my life to the fullest in alignment with the Universe as I know it.   Peace, Love and Comfort to All.

Life…Fanciful and Magically Delicious and Real! I MAKE IT SO!

June 20, 2016 / / Life and Living

So, I’m creating a new story of my life – the story of a new circle of life I am entering, the story that I feel within me before it has unfolded.  Yes, I am living it as I’m writing it!  Yes, I am a believer!  We see what we want to see – we create what’s in front of us.  My veins are pulsating with the vitality of the whole experience. It’s exciting and new…and wonderful.

I am so excited for my future.  I am beginning so many different things that are touching my very soul.  For one, I’m seriously pursuing a property I will call ‘The Ranch’.   One might say, “Oh, my, what’s a woman of your years thinking?!!!!!!!”   Yes, one might say this…but not me.  Why?  Because when I decided to create this life story, there is no room for critical commentary, self-doubt, lack of faith, scoffing, or the like. There’s only space for faith in myself and my dreams and goals.  I cannot put limitation on this energized movement of my heart and soul or I would be suffocating the very life of what dreams and goals are about!

I believe there is a wellspring inside of me and  every human being and it is bursting to bring forth everything I have ever conceived that stayed with me for any length of time…those things that permeated through my brain, to which I gave conceptual ideas and life.  Then, because I either lost interest, or motivation, or whatever else destroys dreams, the ideas faded away.   The Ranch, however, has never faded from within me…it has languished inside of me since I was five years old, and all who know me well, are familiar with ‘The ranch’!  Who knows what might have happened earlier,  had I entertained ‘possibility thinking’ that carries with it absolute faith in everything I am and all that the Universe means to me.

So, dear readers, let’s take another journey together – it’s part of my spiritual quest, and carries me onward with the total faith in me, my decision-making abilities, and my zest for living the whole experience out to a final conclusion…halted only by results of pursuing my quest…..I have exuberantly taken up the Charge Toward Victory.  2016 is my year of continued action, as I uncover just how strong I am, and how much faith I have in my Universe and myself.  I love the feeling of the thrill of the chase.   I know I can accept whatever the outcome is, knowing I will have given my all, no stone left uncovered, pursuing every act of due diligence with ease and grace.  I know that I will be at peace –  whatever the outcome.

Some things  have to be put to rest…but not without that good fight of faith.  I am in it for the long haul and I may have lost sight of this. Action is where it is at.  Sitting with unrest by hesitation or inaction,  and choosing to stay in a flight pattern of the dream, rather than working toward the reality and achievement of that dream, I might as well close it down and put it to bed right now!  Naw, that ain’t gonna’ happen with The Ranch!  I am exhilarated and full of energy toward this mission.  I owe it to myself to bring this out of my mind and give it life.

I’ll find out soon enough if the house passes muster to pursue further.  It is being inspected in a little over a week.  Excitement builds.  The ducks are waddling into a row.

Oh, the name of the place?   DreamCatcher Ranch, what else?

 

Time to Move….Inside Out!

June 15, 2016 / / Life and Living

Greetings All!  I’ve been concerned that I’m spending more of my consciousness on videos that I do for my  Facebook personal page Just Sayin’   Kaye A. Peters, and also for the private group of which I’m an active member, BEROYAL.COM, in The Royal Society,  than on my ‘first born’, my baby, my blog,  Liferays.net.    This said, I have spontaneously come to this outlet today, because I am ready to share something that belongs to everyone.   I now begin.

My life continues to unfold….I am witness to it all, because  my process is an active introspective learn-as-I-go kind of thing, like an audible or visual journal, if you will.  I’ve come to a joy in my transformation process that goes like this:  What I am observing outside of me, is exactly what I’m thinking and believing on the inside of me!  Thus, if I don’t like what I’m observing, I can’t be liking what’s inside of me either!  I create my world in which I live.  I am seeing others as I think they are by my own definitions of my reality.   So, if I’m seeing ugly, negative, sourness, disharmony, chaos, discomfort, lies, cheating, fear, discontent, that is exactly the reflection of what is inside of me.  I’m not saying I, personally, see all of this..  What I am saying is I’m in touch with the fact that whatever I perceive, is exactly what I am inside!

This is not a fatalistic perception.   I know I can change it and this  provides me with two very important strengths:  I am free to do so, to obtain the peace and  harmony I am now insistent to have in my space around me, and I have the inherent, innate power within me to change myself inside and the space outside that has emanated from within me.

For those of us who find discontent in our lives at any level, where complaining has become a norm and we are out of harmony with oneself firstly, and all of those around us, secondly, we can make the freedom choice to go within and begin to excavate our very nature and make it the truth of exactly who we want to be….inside and out.  I’m talking much more than the glass half-full vs. half-empty!   I am the ideal person to make this comparison because I am one of the most optimistic people….that translates to also being a dreamer!    I’m guilty by self-admission!  Now, I can relegate to the  dreamer inside of me to take hold of the reins of my life, and think and believe within me exactly the way I want the world to be around me.  Keep in mind, by writing this and stating it as my truth, I am ascribing it to me and my life principles as well.

It escapes me why human beings shy away from the privilege of taking full responsibility for their lives.  If we blame others or circumstances  for our failures and unhappiness, we have no power at all – for we can’t change others or circumstances.  BUT, if we see that we are the ones responsible for how we do things, see things, perceive others, judge everything in front of us, we are in FULL POWER to change ALL OF IT!  Do we really take joy in kibitzing our own life and circumstances and philosophizing as a voyeur,  living our own life vicariously, when we could instead enjoy the privilege of living our lives deliciously and harmoniously in wonderment of  that which is right in front of us in all glory and perfection?

Having written this now, I know I won’t concern myself anymore with when and how I provide my messages because I have full faith and trust I will do at the appropriate time and through the appropriate medium of communication that which is to my greatest good and to the greatest good of all others present.

Rose-colored glasses?  No match for authentic.

 

 

My Life So Far….Unedited!

May 27, 2016 / / Life and Living

Wow!  Here I am in the middle of my life…yes, I say middle!  I’m chronologically newly 79 years old, but I claim the magic of 54 years old, biologically, and I’ll add right now, I may be going downward, if I’m assessing how newborn I really feel about everything!

There is nothing like having a consciousness to every day and how I greet it.   I have become my own accountability partner in what I decide to do, whom I decide to be with, how I think about where I am at any given moment and above all, how  I accept and interpret all the intuitive information that I receive daily, and actually ask for now, when I want to communicate with my Beyond,  my Universe, as I know it to be.  I am continually supported while I’m living my life with privilege and heartfelt observation of it all.

I imagine my words may be mindboggling to some.  No matter.   I know I am providing gateways to others so they can explore this  wonder of the place we really inhabit in this energy field of life……a place I am just learning about myself….as I scratch the surface of everything that is so new to me too.

So far, I know I am supported (as are all others) by a loving Universal Intelligence that brings to me equally proportionate support as I dictate my own intentions to fulfillment of whatever I am focusing upon in my own life.  I must be careful  that I am always coming from my heart and in honesty, without any agenda whatsoever…whether I am working toward my own fulfillment. or that of another.  I also know  I have messages to pass on and these messages will resonate with others as meant to be.  I am not an oracle, nor do I portend, but I have truths to mention and I am extremely humble when I do so.  Nothing I say is scripted…it is candid just as I write this, and I assume it is coming from me as it is meant to be read and interpreted by another.

Humans are not “one size fits all”, yet they try so hard to fit into a mold of life as we know it.  We are as individual as each snowflake or granule of sand on a beach.  Why then, do we not see that we have such unique qualities – all Blessed and Given to us in this lifetime to enjoy, magnify to personal greatness and fulfillment to ourselves and others?  I think on this often now.  In fact, as I read and write this instant, I am amazed at what I have just stated.  And this is now My Truth.

This is an announcement , not an edict or credo.  I will have more as I delight in my own explorations and I will then pass on all of what I  find to be my truths.  We are all Blessed Equally…We do not all receive equally, nor do we walk our paths of enlightenment at the same pace, but we do receive, and we do walk, and we all do get to the finish line in our own good time.  No comparisons, no judgments of progress, just taking our course that fits the  path we’ve already begun.  The Universe  needs only to be awakened and invited to participate with our conscious intention.  It has never left us from the beginning of time….it is us, who have excluded It in our process.  It stands ready to serve in an instant and forever in total love.  It doesn’t understand labels, definitions, right, wrong, nothing that we as humans have described in our rules of living.  It only knows to support in love our intention.   This may be why the phrase “Be careful what you wish for” is so important.  Our loving Universe doesn’t decipher, it only responds in love to our wishes – be they well intended or not.

I am in total gratitude for everything I know. I mean no harm.

The Intuition of My Life – I’m a Know it All!

May 2, 2016 / / Life and Living

I’ve never made any bones about how I think. If someone wants to compare notes on life and what all has happened to me in the process of living it, I’m open to sharing some personal experiences, some of which can be funny tales, others almost morbid scenes of learning when I was not at the best place of living my best life at that time.  What I really like to talk about, however, is The Intuition of my Life.

I write these blogs, and I also give my video messages on my facebook page Just Sayin’   Kaye A. Peters, as well as on a private group of which I am a member, under  intuitive inspiration.   A story line presents itself in a message that I want to bring forward and when it is done, it is done for that time.

Today, I want to explore how my intuition pertains only to my place in the universe…  said another way, my intuits pertain only to my space, my life, my learning, my growth, my path of enlightenment, my purpose, my  happiness, my talents, my dreams, my goals, my goodness, my authenticity, my pursuits, the choices I make to fulfill my privilege of living the life I was created to live.  The amazing truth of it is when I respond to my intuition, I have all the answers within me…I know it all…so it behooves me to listen closely, mindfully, from my heart, and with intent to provide the greatest good to me and those around me.

I believe we all have this greatness inside us.  We can practice and learn more how our essence…that place inside us which is perfect love and light… endlessly tries to ignite our consciousness to listen and receive the perfect direction toward everything we are and want to be.  Our essence is in the wings waiting to give us the information for our life’s journey, as well as the wisdom to begin to walk our path with more assurance and peace and direction of love and goodness toward ourselves and all around us.

On one hand, this  innate knowledge is easily accessible; on the other, it takes diligence and Faith as we work toward receiving and utilizing this gift.  Everything I need for  living an extraordinary and fulfilling life of service and goodness toward myself and others is within me.  It  is my birthright….it is your birthright.

I would like to invite you to begin what may be a new approach to how you open each day.  Start by asking yourself how you are feeling, what is on your mind for consideration, what is old news and can be discarded, what is to take a priority of your own choosing, what is your intention to change that which is within your control to change. 

I know I have always been a part of a loving universe that knows no judgment, no pain, no anger, no illness…it knows only love…and it is in readiness to help me and all others at the slightest request…only to be invited in. 

I know  all are created equal in essence, and this essence is The Intelligence of the Universe.    As I know my Creator, I am as a drop of water is to the ocean.  Truly, the life of happiness and joy and peace and love and wisdom, is within us.

My experiences are the outgrowth of my evolutionary process of consciousness since birth,  that have been presenting throughout my lifetime to current awareness.

I am your example of using this awareness with confidence and I know I am being supported by my Creator as I link within myself and continue to listen to the Intuitive Inspiration that wants me to succeed in everything I endeavor to do.   My world island is continuing to expand, and I am becoming my authentic self.  I am full of gratitude for everything.  Everyone possesses this entitlement.  Ask, and it will be given to you.  Seek and you will find it.  Knock and your doors will be opened.

Oops, Don’t Look Now, My Wisdom May Be Showing!!

March 10, 2016 / / Life and Living

Just for the record, I believe we have all the answers inside of us.  I believe I am a spiritual being living in a human condition.  That spiritual being within me is my absolute essence…..My whole beingness….the very core of me that connects me directly to my Creator…as a drop of water is to the ocean.

This said, all my life……… and I know I am not alone in these kinds of experiences……… there has been  a ‘little voice’ that spoke to me from time to time…..sometimes it was but a whisper, other times it was more obvious, like when I skinned my  knees over and over again (which should have meant to me, “grow a little bigger before you ride that bike!”),  but instead, came the real fall with pain that opened a 2 inch fleshy wound…to this day showing the healed scar as the reminder….I chose not to listen!

Then there was the time, 13 years old, or so,  I was in the Woolworth’s  downtown with a friend, and she suggested we ‘take’ some lipstick from the bin.  Of course, I heard “I wouldn’t do it”, or something like that, but I did…brought the red stuff home, threw it in a drawer and began to feel really guilty…painfully guilty…I wasn’t ‘into’ lipstick in the first place, so why did I do that?!  As my memory has it, I pocketed the tube, got on the bus, walked into the store and put it back into the bin.  No words to anyone…but I tell you, the pain of that guilt left instantly…….Whew!!

Another time I said to a friend, do you think I drink too much?  She didn’t give her opinion, but she did hook me up with someone to talk to about it.  The answer that came back was, “What do you think?”…..of course, under the rug that answer went until many close calls later, for sure all marriages later, another relationship later,  along with more pain and  confusion until these many years later, when I’ve been able to unscramble ‘what might be what’  and give myself the obvious answer!  I could have saved myself years of confusion and pain had I wanted to face that truth, once and for all.

What about all those nagging thoughts I’ve had as I’ve been living my life?…..Was my boyfriend seeing another woman?  Why did I taunt myself stalking him, trying to catch him in the act, when inside, I already knew that answer.

Was I or wasn’t I overweight?  Why did I keep looking in the mirror, expecting to see a model figure in a different outfit?  I knew I felt I looked ‘chubby’.   Why didn’t I just decide to change my eating habits!

My little voice has been working overtime to save me from years of pain and self abuse and heartache. ….I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL MYSELF THE TRUTH ALL MY LIFE  so I could enjoy the real privilege of living life freely and everso happily!

Why was it that I wouldn’t  just face up to the honesty of it all and make the appropriate decisions toward a more peaceful and less painful life path?

I’m bearing this torch at near 79, and desperately want to pass it on.  I don’t plan to make myself experience any more pain by my own hand.

 

 

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